5 years .... Strength or Survival

He's still gone, this nightmare doesn't end, it only evolves into new and exciting adventures.


I've heard over the years since Mark died, and even today, how strong I am. Here is my response:


I truly feel that we never know our own strength until it is tested, while I don't feel I'm a strong person, I know that I've done what I've needed to do to survive the past 5 years of this "hellish suck club of widowhood" ... I think my widow friends will agree. None of us feel strong, we are survivors.

In the midst of trial ...

appears those that you least expect to help out.

While my main support system did fail, I can't let it pass that I did get help from unsuspecting people.

Lea was busy Fri night, and i know she's up really early for work, so I admit, I didn't think to call her even though she's in the neighborhood. She was heading to bed, she went to close her browser and saw my FB plea for help, and sent me the text saying she had to change back into clothes and was on her way.

Kate saw my frustration on twitter Sat that my friend didn't go get my meds as promised, so she added me to her list of errands, did my shopping, banking and med run for me. Seriously folks, she was an angel, we had only met IRL once before at my garage sale. She has the cutest kids, I gladly kept them here so she could get a little time alone also.

My boyfriend Eric and his daughter came over on Sunday to spend a few hours before he drove her home and had to head North, he just started a new job and is working almost 50 hrs a week.

A former neighbor came by with a surprise Christmas food drop for me. 5 bags of groceries and a Turkey. Humbled and blessed.

My friend Jake dropped by w/ a fantastic Christmas CD for me, and has called daily even though he's getting ready for his band's first music video shoot this weekend.

My ex even offered to drive down 3 hours to spend time helping if I needed, yet none of the "close friends" that have been here through all of this, were able to be here for me.

So while it was frustrating, there were major bright lights from unexpected places, and they weren't trains! I am blessed, I am humbled that people I barely know would go out of their way to help me out. It's times like these that really show you where we need to prune. Thank you Lord for being so blunt!

A Fantastic Series of Videos by the David Crowder Band

I've seen the David Crowder Band perform live several times, so when I heard his name mentioned on one of the morning news shows, I perked up. I was blown away by the video and the details about it, check out the video and then the 4 part series on how they made "Shine":

here is how it was made:

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

This is an ongoing Blog Hop that you are welcome to join at any time. All you need to do is to jump to the introduction to see how it works. Feel free to right click and save the logo I have above to use, and please, add your blog to the Linky below so that we can read along. 

Wow, I've got so many that fall into this category. Most recently it's folks from my former Church where Mark was Youth Pastor at. The Church went through a split this past Fall (aside ... wow it's been a year since all that started up) ... as a result, people went every which way you can imagine. It was truly sad to see a Christian group go through that, however I understand it happens and my understanding is that there are 2 stronger groups from it now. I had friends on both sides of the argument(s) and as much as I didn't want to let them go, I had to for my own health and sanity. Now that there has been separation I will try to reconnect w/ some.

I have also let go of many friends that were in my life before Mark died. It's a strange phenomenon, these people were always doing things w/ us. We traveled, laughed, celebrated, cried, shared drinks, music ... we were involved with each other ... and when Mark died, we went our separate ways. My life was different, and although I tried to engage the afterwards, it was not reciprocated. Can I tell you how much that hurt me then? How much it still hurts? I don't understand it, did I change? One person in particular was close enough that he was considered kiddo's Uncle. He was there when he was born, at every major event in his life ... and when Mark died he disappeared. I found him by accident on Facebook and learned that he was getting married. I wasn't invited. It still chokes me up.

I have other examples, they don't make sense to me ... I realized tonight while at school for Parent-Teacher night, that I've really taken myself out of the "school parent" mode. I hardly know any of the parents anymore. D isn't involved in ANY of the same activities, they are all strangers to me now. It gets lonely sometimes being a widow. it sucks.

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit

This is an ongoing Blog Hop that you are welcome to join at any time. All you need to do is to jump to the introduction to see how it works. Feel free to right click and save the logo I have above to use, and please, add your blog to the Linky below so that we can read along.  

While I could easily write about the issues w/ my Mom, I've done that enough around here. So let me talk about another one, from childhood. There was a girl in grade school, I'll refer to her as G. G used to pick on me all the time, she lived around the corner and at times it was relentless. In 6th Grade I went on a family trip up to the Amish Country in Pennsylvania and brought back fresh eggs that could be incubated, so my 6th grade teacher let me do it in class. One morning I went into the classroom and there was a chick that was just hatching out, it imprinted on me and I was now Mom to Fluffernutter. Yes, you read that right lol

Fluff was in the class for quite awhile, he went home w/ different people from time to time. I don't remember the specifics but one day we came in and Fluff was dyed blue. It was horrible, I remember being very upset. I later found out that G was responsible for it. In 6th grade this was a horrible thing ... now, I laugh about it!

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

This is an ongoing Blog Hop that you are welcome to join at any time. All you need to do is to jump to the introduction to see how it works. Feel free to right click and save the logo I have above to use, and please, add your blog to the Linky below so that we can read along.  

I am the most grateful for my relationship with Jesus Christ. He knew that during my childhood I would not be taught to turn to him for guidance, that I would be raised in a family that "did Church" on Sunday but didn't know Him. He knew that I'd be tested to the core in my High  School and College years by my family. He knew that I'd marry a man that was a liar and a cheater ... He knew everything, before I really knew Him, and when I needed Him in his life He was there and continues to be there.


The Lord has brought some amazing people in my life, including my first husband who is a liar and cheater. Yes, I did say that he was amazing. I learned so much, and because of my relationship with him I was able to learn some much needed skills. The Lord brought my second husband, Mark, into my life. He gave Mark and I our awesome son David. He also took 2 babies away from us, and while I didn't understand at the time it became clear in 2006 when Mark died so unexpectedly. Last, for now, the Lord surrounded me with the perfect friends for ME.  By no means are any of us perfect, except for each other. Sure, we drive each other nuts, but we balance each other when needed. 


The Lord has plans for me, He has since the day I was born, and He continues to expose it day by day. I might WANT to know the plan now, but He knows what he is doing by not cheating. I live my days for Him and in return He makes life worth living. 

10/18/10 @10:20pm 
I hope you are enjoying this Blog Hop. I realized today that I swapped my Day 6 and my Day 7 due to a posting error on my part, I'll switch them later so they are in the correct order. I encourage comments, even just to let me know you are reading along, or if you want to answer the question for yourself and you don't want to do the full 30 Days of Truth, feel free to enter your response in the corresponding comments.

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

This is an ongoing Blog Hop that you are welcome to join at any time. All you need to do is to jump to the introduction to see how it works. Feel free to right click and save the logo I have above to use, and please, add your blog to the Linky below so that we can read along.  

While my answer to this question is easy, it's NOT an easy thing to think about. The reality is, that based on family history, I will most likely have to do IT. That IT is bury my child in his 40's.


I know, it's horrible to think about, and I'm going to do my damnedest to see that it doesn't happen. I've already started having a specialist see him and he'll be followed in the years to come. I'm encouraging him to be healthy in all aspects of his life, while not wanting to scare the living crap out of him at the same time. Nothing worse than having a child hear "Don't eat that" "Don't drink that", you know what happened to your Father, right?


Reality is it also happened to his Grandfather, Great-Grandfather and Great-Uncle, I won't do that to him, so I gently encourage and we don't talk about "IT". He's too young for THAT just yet, but I still worry. I worry that I'll have a daughter-in-law and grandkids that won't have a husband and father. Is that silly? It's not even here yet, but I still have that worry. I don't let him know that, heck ... he won't even tell me the name of the girl he "likes" at school this week. The one that he gave a piece of gum to at school yes, he broke the rules, I'm raising a hellion, because her arm is in a cast. So I don't even entertain THAT discussion, in fact, it's not often that I think about it, but I do. It sucks. It's my reality though.


I hope you are enjoying this Blog Hop. I realized today that I swapped my Day 6 and my Day 7 due to a posting error on my part, I'll switch them later so they are in the correct order. I encourage comments, even just to let me know you are reading along, or if you want to answer the question for yourself and you don't want to do the full 30 Days of Truth, feel free to enter your response in the corresponding comments.


Until next time,


Blessings.

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life

This is an ongoing Blog Hop that you are welcome to join at any time. All you need to do is to jump to the introduction to see how it works. Feel free to right click and save the logo I have above to use, and please, add your blog to the Linky below so that we can read along.  

Something I hope to do in my life ... I want to have fun in life with my son and our friends! How silly is that? I want to have enough money so that we can play and go places. I want to explore, take trips, and simply enjoy life.

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for

I have to work hard, so incredibly hard, on forgiving my mother. 

It's a HUGE flaw I have and I have asked God for help on this, 

I've done my best to do it on my own. 

I know she did the best she could in her situation, that isn't lost on me, but my heart still hurts over what I've been through and what the cost of a relationship with her as an Adult child is. 

Just today, she brought up bullshit from my childhood and twisted it to "use it against me", it sucks. 

So I continue to work on forgiving her for what she's done and continues to do.

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for

Whew this is a tough one. There are so many things in life that we, as women, take on as out responsibility that is not ours, we hold guilt for so many things that we don't have to. It's part of how we are wired.

I look back and see things that I could of or should have done differently, I don't look back and have regrets, except for things I did or did not do in the months building up to the death of Mark. 

I know that hindsight is 20/20. I know that in theory. I know that I can't turn back the hands of time and change what did or didn't happen. I have to let it go, but ... IF I had pushed harder for him to speak up, IF I had stood up myself and spoke out about what he was being put through. IF I had pushed for him to quit his job on the day he was ready to throw in the towel, IF I had demanded he go back to AA when he relapsed, IF I had taken him to the hospital on one of the many days that he was feeling like shit in his final weeks.... IF and ONLY IF I had done one or more of those things, then maybe, just maybe life as I know it today would be very different. I know, in my mind and heart, that the Lord would have taken him when his last day on earth was done REGARDLESS of what I did or didn't do, but it still doesn't stop me from wondering.

What if?

I have to just let it go and accept, it is what it is.

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

I am a survivor. 

Of physical abuse.

Of sexual abuse.

Of emotional abuse.

Of verbal abuse.

I am a survivor.

Of alcohol abuse.
Of medical issues.
Of divorced parents.
Of lies and deceit.

I am a survivor.

Of things most people can't imagine.
Of my own wrong-doing.
Of bad choices.
Of a bad marriage that ended in divorce.
Of a great marriage that ended in my being a Widow.
Of 4+ years as a single mom

I have been blessed with

Physical abuse.
Sexual abuse.
Emotional abuse.
Verbal abuse.
Alcohol abuse.
Medical issues.
Divorced parents.
Lies and deceit.
Things most people can't imagine.
My own wrong-doing.
Bad choices.
A bad marriage that ended in divorce.
A great marriage that ended in my being a Widow.
4+ years as a single mom


These Blessings have opened me up to .... 

4+ years of listening intently to the Lord.
4+ years with amazing friends that have stood by me through the highs and lows.
A Lord that has provided for us whenever needed.
A Son that loves me.
Being able to share my experiences, good and bad, with so many people.
Faith that is stronger than it has ever been in my life.

All that I have been through in my life, good and bad, have made me the woman that I am today and that I love!

30 Days of Truth ~ Day 01→ Something you hate about yourself.

Hate is such a harsh word, it's one that we don't use in our household often, and when we do use it, we try to explain why such a harsh term is needed. 

There are very few things I hate in life at all. I don't like though, how I procrastinate. I go through spurts where I accomplish a lot and on time, but my habit is to hold off until I absolutely have to do something and then do it. I have worked hard to changed it over the years, but I always fall back. It's a flaw that is deep into my core. 

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I think I'm being used

There was a tragic accident in my area this past week that has left a 16 yr old girl in ICU in critical condition. It became apparent, by some Facebook updates posted by a former youth group student of mine, that she is close to the situation. I helped her create a status update w/ the correct information as she is begging for prayers for this young lady. We then chatted for a few minutes. Mind you, we have NOT always seen eye to eye on things, she is always one to push the envelope to the very edge of the table, but she spent time chatting tonight.

The 18 yr old young man driving is her best friend, the 16 yr old girl is his girlfriend, he made a dumb choice that has changed this girls life forever. He feels totally responsible, he won't leave the hospital, he leaves the waiting room long enough to go to the family shower and back. He won't talk to anyone and he knows he's facing jail time once this ordeal is worked through the investigation and DA's office.

My friend is distraught. She won't drive, freaks when she has to get in a car and is worse when the driver hits the brakes. I asked if any of them have met with Counselors and she said "no". What about a Pastor, same answer. I asked if I could join them one day to pray and she said "Yes, and maybe you can talk to him?". My reply was "yes". I talked quickly about knowing all too well how easy it is to look back and change what we would've done, when reality is, we can't. We have to accept the decision that we made, even though we may not like it, and we must move on and then accept the consequences. If I had only taken Mark to the ER when he was laid out on the floor complaining about his back and ribs bring out. If I had only taken Mark to the ER when he was sore and wiped out. If only; but I didn't. He went to the Chiropractor and felt better. He was overtired, run down, under a ton of stress; and I was there to support him in his mission. The mission he was called to complete.

So yes, I will go with her to the ICU waiting room and sit with whomever is there, laugh, cry, pray, be quiet, and talk to whomever wishes to talk. I have learned that my Gift is not in pulling quotes and scripture from the Bible, Lord knows I'm horrible at that; my Gift is in being real with people in their time of need and helping them walk through whatever they are experiencing. So Yes Lord, Use ME!

Reaffirmation

We've been studying Romans, and today the Lord had me at Church for a reason:


Romans 16:17-19

¹⁷I urge you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. ¹⁸For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites. By smooth talk and flattery they deceive the minds of naive people. ¹⁹Everyone has heard about your obedience, so I am full of joy over you; but I want you to be wise about what is good, and innocent about what is evil.

I needed that ... Grace ... I need to extend Grace and keep my distance.  

It's true...

You learn who your "true family" is during the toughest times of your life.

I have known for years, and I've mentioned it here, that my family of origin is not one of unconditional love. They most definitely have not been here to help me these past 4 years as I worked through the sudden death of my husband and my subsequent "new normal" life.

So in the past few days, as my life goes through another major transition, of leaving my home of 13 years, the home we chose to raise our yet unborn son in, my family once again has failed miserable in being supportive. My mother says "Paring down is a good thing and more manageable" and a sister says "sucks that you spent all your money", my other sister said "you're not selling that furniture, it's mine, you were only storing it for me".

Meanwhile, my neighbors have been with me, crying, offering to help, I've had friends offer me their trucks to help, boxes they have, even offered a place to live if needed ...

I am at a loss, I know what I'm doing is right, although a roadblock has already appeared that I will hopefully be able to move out of the way on Monday. I'm formulating Plan B, Plan C and whatever others will be needed.

I'm also applying for jobs left and right at the local hospitals. I don't know that one would save my house, but it would help me get a place to live. I know that we won't be homeless, I know that in the worst case scenario, friends would provide a roof for us, but I want that to be Plan ZZZZ not Plan B or C. I can't imagine that would be the Lords plan for us either. I will continue to lean on Him, he's not guided me wrong yet.

We’re moving on out….

I’ve made the toughest decision that I’ve had to make in the past 4 years since losing Mark.

On August 30, my son and I will be moving out of our 1800 sq foot home of 13 years into a 1,270 square foot Townhome.

There is a lot to do, not only physically here (meaning OMGosh I have a LOT to get rid of), to get ready for this, but emotionally also. I am in tears as I write this. This is the house we chose together to raise our son, this is the only house we wanted. My neighbors are amazing people, they have been through good and bad with me, without them I don’t know where I’d be right now.

…. I’ll write more as this progresses, I honestly can’t see through the tears right now. Please keep us in your prayers.

Here I am, and there HE is

It’s been a long couple of weeks. Lots of change, uncertainty and excitement. One thing that has remained consistent is that I KNOW the Lord is with me, guiding my every move. HE is faithful even when I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing.

Simply Amazed

This week, although a hard one, has been amazing.

Not only did I end a 2 1/2 year relationship with Tim, yesterday I received foreclosure papers on my house for the second time in 3 years. I fought through it once, that was one hard battle because it involved Countrywide, who then sold me to Fannie Mae JUST when the Mortgage Crisis hit it's nastiest point and BOTH of those companies were in deep deep waters with the Feds. With all that I've gone through this week, I don't know that I have another battle like that in me between now and November.

I have been looking at apartments to rent, I have a really good idea of where I want us to move to, I have several friends in the same complex. I was chatting with one of those friends a little while ago and he said "Well damn, we will get together next week and brainstorm how to save that house for you, you canNOT lose it. We WILL come up with something, God is GOOD and HE will take care of you."

How did I get blessed with such amazing people?

It is over ...

My King and I have gone our separate ways. I know that the Lord has bigger plans for me, and I know this was the right decision for my son and I ... Now to move forward and listen...

Bits and Pieces ...

I'm not in school, it's been a week since I finished my Nursing Assistant course and now I'm waiting for others to tell me when I can move on.

A dear friend had a very rough week. Her actions caused me much concern over her well being. She cut me off. I stayed the course and continued to let her know that I will be here when she's ready, I could be there in 30 min if needed, I love her, she's not getting rid of me that easily. Going 12 hours without hearing from her set off every alarm in my body, but I stayed faithful to her and to the Lord in prayer, and she came through it. We went out last night for dinner, it was nice to see her smile and laugh, even if for a fleeting moment. She's a long way from better, but she's a long way from where she was earlier in the week. The Lord is amazing if we stay faithful to him.

It's also the dreaded Anniversary weekend. I've tried to keep it to myself. I don't want it to be one of those "oh there she is dredging it up again" things, but the reality is, it's a part of me and I don't want to forget Mark and what happened. Part of me will always be angry at those that drove him to an earlier death than we anticipated, no amount of crying, rationalizing, counseling will ever take that feeling away. I should still be with him, my son should still have his Dad here. Father's Day should be a fun time to mess around, and now it's a day that even though I put on a smile for Tim, I don't enjoy at all right now. It's just an evil reminder of what we don't have in our life. It's not fair, and I know that life isn't fair, but it's not fair and I want to simply throw a tantrum and scream. I want my best friend back.