I question again, what is my purpose?

I sit here in my house, on my laptop, with the TV on. I’m in a difficult situation, I feel my hands tied in so many ways, and as bad as I may think I have it, I know others have it worse.

I keep asking myself, God, What am I supposed to do? If I get a full time job will that be better for me? What about the days when my son is having a meltdown like Friday and I can’t leave for work? How do working parents do it?

What is my purpose Lord?

My girlfriend gave birth on Saturday, December 19th to a beautiful baby girl. Sunday night, I went to the hospital to relieve her husband for the evening, my girlfriend was in a lot of pain, she had a c-section and was having difficulties so the Doctor decided it was her meds and stopped all pain meds (huh??). Then it happened, she had a seizure with only me in the room. The Nurses and Doctor said I was wrong, that she was dizzy, over-tired etc and I let it go, but by Tuesday evening, a Neurologist delivered the life-changing news “You have Epilepsy”. She looked at me with tears in her eyes, she looked at those around the room, and tried to absorb all that was being said and understand what this meant to her for the foreseeable future. She can’t work, she can’t be alone with her 2 kids. She can’t nurse her new baby. She can’t drive. She can’t be over-stimulated.

What is my purpose Lord?

I spend my days crocheting, watching TV, resting and recouping from my busy days. What? That doesn’t sound busy? I’m on call for my friend, the one with the new baby. If someone can’t make it to be with her, I go stay there. If she has medical issues, I go help her. I attend all her appointments with her, she can’t remember things. She doesn’t always understand things. She’s applying for Disability, Food Stamps, Health assistance, whatever she can get to help her husband out. He works 60 hours a week to try and make ends meet. Her son stays w/ family and friends during the week, she misses him. He is home Monday and Wednesday nights so he can go to pre-school Tuesday/Thursday. Have I mentioned that I absolutely love my time with my girlfriend. It’s been challenging, it’s brought us closer, and that little baby, I could seriously eat her up, I love snuggling with her.

What is my purpose Lord?

Tuesday, Port Au Prince Haiti is hit with a 7.0 earthquake. I know that Mark would be fighting to get there to help. Our friends are safe. How sad is it that they are “fortunate” because they are too poor to live in Port Au Prince. The Village is growing daily now, those from Port are starting to arrive to stay with family, friends, strangers, anywhere they can get help.

What is my purpose Lord?

My girlfriend has 3 kids, she’s managed an Apartment complex for years, worked for the Property Managers for years before that. She lives with her 3 kids (1 in HS, 2 in Middle School) on property. Her ex-husband gives little support other than taking the kids every other weekend. Friday she was fired. She has 9 days to find a new home for her family. She will qualify for the highest Unemployment Benefit, a whopping $1640 a month, how will that support her family?

What is my purpose Lord?

I need desire direction Lord. I joke about the Neon Sign with an arrow telling me “Go this way” but internally I wish it would appear. My life changed so drastically when Mark left this earth, today is one of those days that I wish we had done things differently. Today is one of those days that I wish life were different. Today is one of those days I wish didn’t happen.

What is my purpose Lord?

Today I Choose ...

I have learned many things through my many years of counseling and 12-stepping ... and I feel that the most important, yet the one I've obviously forgotten lately, is that I can make a choice now to do something, and then NOW I can make a choice to do something different; and there is NOTHING wrong with that!

We are in our present place and state of being because WE choose to be here.

I have been in an ugly and sad place for awhile. I've allowed situations to get the better of me. My circumstances are not even close to desirable for myself or my son, but I'm here and I have to do something about it. So right now, right this moment, I am choosing to do something different for us. It's not what I ultimately wanted for us, it's not what I would have chosen had I been 'in charge' of things, but it will work now, and that is most important to me.

So for today, I am accepting the settlement offer from the Insurance Company for my accident I had over a year ago. I do NOT have the time nor energy to fight a lawsuit against them, I have bills that need to be paid and a kid that needs clothes to wear. This will cover those costs, not all of them, but enough of them that some stress will be relieved until the next financial boost happens, which will hopefully be soon.

I've had this song rolling around in my head all day, and now I know why. I have forgotten to put Christ first and look to HIM for my guidance. The Forms have been sitting here for weeks, I've been mulling it over, and I let it get me down, the song came into my head overnight and I knew what I had to do, make a choice and go with it.

As for me and my house

chorus:

Today I choose to follow you

Today I choose to gi ve my'yes' to u

Today I choose to hear your voice and live

Today I choose to follow you

Verse:

As for me and my house

we will serve you

as for me and my house

we will spend our lives on you

(Repeat chorus and Verse)

Chorus

Bridge:

Wonderful counseler , Everlasting Fa-ther

E-ternal King , Lord of hosts

willingly we fol- low

Chorus

So I ask you, those reading, what choice are YOU making today? Doesn't it feel GREAT to know that you can choose now, and now, and now, and then again in  10 min if you want to change that choice? I think so and I will continue to let myself choose to do what works for me.

It's Friday night

I've not accomplished much... got some laundry done, watered some plants, weeded a bit (we've got one heck of a pumpkin growing!), that's it. It's all I can do right now.

I'm in survival mode, Tim has been awesome, he always is. Next week would be Marks 45th birthday. I haven't yet asked David what he wants to do for it, he's chosen to have a bowling party the past 3 years for it. I need to get that set this weekend with him, perhaps he'll want to do nothing. That's fine. I really think it's important for him to have the option to acknowledge it if he wants.

I have made a couple decisions that should help us out financially, just have to get them in place. They won't be huge things, but enough to help out here and there.

Ok...now I need to get some dinner ready, it's 8:11pm and I'm finally hungry. Thanks for bearing with me through this, it's all a part of my chaotic life.

Hate is not a word I use lightly

Grief rears it's ugly head again. I'm sorry to keep bringing it up, but it's a part of my life whether I like it or not ... ok, who am I kidding? Like it?? Why the HELL would I like it?!

I fucking hate it.

I hate that it brings me down.

I hate that it's distancing me from the man that has made a huge difference in my life and loves me and my son to pieces.

I hate that it rules me somedays.

I hate that I went through the most unbelievable experience a wife can go through.

I hate that I lost my partner, my best friend, the man I fell in love with the first time I saw him.

I hate that tomorrow I mean Saturday WOULD be our 12 year wedding anniversary and we're not together because he died.

I hate that I am bawling my eyes out right now.

I hate that my son lost his daddy.

It's so not fair and I want to throw a fit.

I want to curl up in a ball and just sob.

I don't want to go through this any more.

I want this to end.

I want to NOT feel this pain anymore.

I absolutely LOVE

that my doctor APOLOGIZED FOR HER COVERING DOCTOR!

I have my scrip renewed for a year AND if I want to taper off, all I have to do is let her know and she will write additional scrips for the odd dosages I'll need to do it.

the power of 140 characters ...

The life I live today is a total walk of faith. 3 years ago, everything that was "normal" was taken away, and I totally learned to give ...


everything to the Lord. Only HE controls my destiny, I just walk the best I can and hope that wht I do glorifies Him. Hard part is I'm human

and as a human, i make mistakes. My life was far from easy growing up, but i am a product of what i went through. i don't apologize for who

i am or what i was, i work hard to make myself a better person daily. i work hard to be the best mother i can be. the best friend i can be.

i work hard to be the best partner i can be. the best christian i can be. the best role model to the youth i still work with.

the lord has put trials in my way, the past few days has been one of my toughest lately, and i know that i will get through it.

and when i come out the other side, i will be stronger because of it. i will learn something from this, i will make an impact.

and i will still wake up in the morning and say Thank You Lord for giving me another day. For HE is who I must thank for what i have.

Guess I missed a step!

So, between here and here I went through this:

I found out Friday late afternoon that my doctor won't refill my anti-depressant any longer because the bills from my accident last year are in collections. This means I'm off them cold turkey.

I'm not worried about the long term of being off them, I feel that I'm in a good place, however right now, I am not feeling well at all. I've been on 100mg Zoloft for quite a few years, I had 3 pills left so I just took one to help, but I can tell I'm in withdrawal ... not sure what to do. I understand the Doctors office's point but this is truly difficult to go through.

and this:

Honestly, I was feeling better but now I'm not ... and please know ... it's serious physical symptoms nothing like i'm going to hurt myself.

would it be wrong to go to the ER? Seriously???

and then this...

I've got a call into the Advice Nurse program at one of the local hospitals, she just said to go to my closest ER, so Tim is taking me now.

Follow up to my ER visit...

In and home w/in 2 hours, including stopping for gas on the way home. I think that’s a record for the ER … it was quite the experience… there was a fire in the MRI room, I walked in to find alarms sounding, and the Fire Dept followed me in, the place almost empty but accepting patients. Explained the situation to the triage nurse … and she took me right back because there were only a couple people there.

We guessed that Life Flight was on route as the landing pad was lit and there were 2 ambulances on site, but no one was in the trauma bay. So shrugged it off.

The nurse wheeled me to the back side of the ER, brought someone else in to the room shortly after…the doors slammed shut due to the alarm system being reset … the doc had come in to see me and did an exam and said he’d see if he could get me a pill right away and write me a scrip, he went to talk to the guy next to me and got paged out of the room. Shortly after that, we heard an “obvious” Psych patient carrying on like a monkey~ We all laughed our asses off …a few minutes later the doc came back in and started to treat the guy next to me and admitted him for an infection that wasn’t clearing up. The nurse came in and handed me a Zoloft and returned again a few minutes later with a beautiful prescription for 15 pills and discharge papers.

As we walked back through the ER, we noticed that it was packed AND there was Security standing outside one of the rooms, we surmise that "the wild monkey" was in there ... I still hadn’t signed my admitting papers or received my insurance card back so I went back to admitting and the waiting room was standing room only. The Admitting clerk said I literally went through the ER doors and they got SLAMMED! So there I was with my discharge papers doing my admitting paperwork.

I got to the Truck and Tim said “that gal there is waiting for Life Flight to take her loved one to another hospital”, as we were at the gas station we heard the chopper come in to do the pickup.

So, I now feel a lot better. I will get my temp prescription filled. Call my doctor tomorrow and see if she will do the orders and if not, I’ve been referred to another Clinic that just may do it for me as well as the manufacturer of Zoloft. The ER said that this is an unfortunate situation but they are seeing it more and more. Incredibly frustrating. It is lighting the fire under my ass to get my Insurance Licensing fast so that I can get my Business started and pay off this stuff and not have to worry any longer. I will also be calling the Personal Injury Attorney and get that process going, it’s lacked because I was busy w/ school stuff but now I can take care of it or finally accept the friggin little settlement and pay off what I can.

Ok … I’m gonna sleep now.

Night!

Me ... my meds ... my doc ... my depression

So ... for those that have heard, this is the full story.

I have been on Zoloft since 2000 after I had a miscarriage. My OB/Gyn has known me since 1987 and also knows my family of origin. She felt then that due to the extreme dysfunction of my family situation plus going through a miscarriage at almost 15 weeks, I was depressed and probably suffering from PTSD and could use the help. OMGosh what a miracle that little pill was in my life. With all that I've gone through over the years, it's been accepted that I need to remain on the meds. In fact, the Counselor I have seen on and off over the past 3 years since my husband died feels I have PTSD. (ETA 7:45am 6/30/09 Some people have a simple chemical imbalance and it's generally agreed that I am one of those people that need this regularly, just as a diabetic needs insulin. I accepted it a long time ago, it's a reality in my life, not a label)

Last March I was injured in a fall and I will be taking them to Court as they stopped paying my medical bills... long story short, the Doctor I have been seeing has a policy of not refilling prescriptions when an account is in non-pay status or it has gone to Collections. Well, because of this situation, my account has gone to Collections.

On Friday I called in a refill on my prescription, the Pharmacy needed an order from the Doctor as it expired. The Doctors office faxed back NO and when I researched, I discovered why. The Pharmacy gave me "an emergency fill" of 3 pills. Tonight my head is floating and I am very disoriented. I took 1 pill and did a protein feed. I am determined to work through this, I will be calling my doctor tomorrow but am prepared for her to say No. If I had the money I would pay the bill, I just don't have it. I've lived off a meager $1000 a month SS Survivors benefits for 3 years and the money just isn't there right now. I have $60 to last me 10 days right now and I need gas in my truck.

The good news is that I am feeling a bit better. I'm going to split the remaining 2 pills and do 50 mg doses daily the rest of the week. I am researching other options, will talk to a pharmacist friend about St. Johns Wort as it is a similar SSRI and see what she says.

Welcome to my world ... ugh ...

how quickly it changes....

Thursday, August 10, 2006 11:41 PM

how quickly it changes.... Current mood: sad to me being sad ....life is just so different now...David won't go to sleep unless he is in bed w/ me. My sister is living w/ me...I'm selling Marks truck so I can keep this house to raise David in, I'm refinancing the house which will finally allow me to pay off our debt and do most of the projects that Mark and I dreamed of doing. It just makes me sad....and yes...I'm letting this be all about me even though I know my life IS all about Him.

They Don't Understand....

Tuesday, August 01, 2006 6:35 PM

I've had several people talk to me about a song that describes some situations I've experienced lately, thanks to my AWESOME friend Mel for finding it for me...I heard it for the first time coming home from CreationNW on Sunday and WOW does it ever ring true: They Don't Understand by Sawyer Brown A mother riding on a city bus Kids are yelling kicking up a fuss Everybody's staring not knowing what she's going through Somebody said don't you even care? Do you let 'em do that everywhere? She slowly turned around, looked up and stared She said Please forgive them But they've been up all night Their father struggled but he finally lost his fight He went to heaven In the middle of the night So please forgive my children (They don't understand) Everybody's busy with their own situation Everybody's lost in their own little world Bottled up, hurry it up trying to make a dream come true (They don't understand) Everybody's living like there ain't no tomorrow Maybe we should stop and take a little time Cause you never really know what your neighbor's going through (They don't understand) A man driving on the interstate Slowing down traffic making everybody late Everybody's staring not knowing what he's going through Somebody hollered from the passing lane Yelled out the window, hey ain't got all day The old man looked around and caught his eye He said please forgive me You know it's been a long life My wife has passed away and my kids don't have the time I've been left all alone And its getting hard to drive So please forgive me children (They don't understand) Everybody's busy with their own situation Everybody's lost in their own little world Bottled up, hurry it up trying to make a dream come true (They don't understand) Everybody's living like there ain't no tomorrow Maybe we should stop and take a little time Cause you never really know what your neighbor's going through (They don't understand) A man hanging on a wooden cross Giving everything to save the lost Everybody's staring not knowing what he's going through Somebody said you don't have a prayer If you were keen you'd come down from there The man just turned his head looked up and stared He said please forgive them For they have not seen the light They'll come to know me when I come back to life Go to heaven, to make everything all right So please forgive your children (They don't understand) Everybody's busy with their own situation Everybody's lost in their own little world Bottled up, hurry it up trying to make a dream come true (They don't understand) Everybody's living like there ain't no tomorrow Maybe we should stop and take a little time Cause you never really know what your neighbor's going through (They don't understand) A mother riding on a city bus Kids are yelling kicking up a fuss Everybody's staring not knowing what she's going through Cause you never really know what your neighbor's going through (They don't understand) A man hanging on a wooden cross Giving everything to save the lost Everybody's staring not knowing what he's going through Somebody said you don't have a prayer If you were keen you'd come down from there The man just turned his head looked up and stared He said please forgive them For they have not seen the light They'll come to know me when I come back to life Go to heaven, to make everything all right So please forgive your children (They don't understand) Everybody's busy with their own situation Everybody's lost in their own little world Bottled up, hurry it up trying to make a dream come true (They don't understand) Everybody's living like there ain't no tomorrow Maybe we should stop and take a little time Cause you never really know what your neighbor's going through (They don't understand) A mother riding on a city bus Kids are yelling kicking up a fuss Everybody's staring not knowing what she's going through