Happy Birthday ....

you'd be 47 today .... world sure is a different place without you.

david is growing up
he's getting TALL
you'd love his fart jokes lol
i remember how scared you were when they said they were doing a c-section to deliver him
and how happy you were when he was born.

me, i'm still looking for work
i hope this next application is the one that clinches it for me
i want need this to happen for david and i sooo bad
if you have any pull, this would be the time to ask for the favor

yes, those are tears flowing now
i didn't expect them
but then i didn't expect to be without you
i still miss you daily
i go back and remember things
and i wish it were different

i'm doing well my love, but i do miss you like hell
it's just not the same, my heart has a hole that will always be missing you ...

Where you realize your support system is non-existent

warning, this post is angry, disjointed, and basically a widowed moms worst nightmare ...

Last Wednesday, the shivers and shakes started. I couldn't warm up, no matter what I tried. Then the fever hit and remained through Friday night, when it spiked once again, almost to 103*.

Reality hit, this momma's worst nightmare. I had to go to the ER. There was no way around it. I put the word out that I needed help, I have thought I had lots of friends around and amazingly enough, everyone no one could help. My sister was in Washington DC on business and she was calling in favors to get me there, but no luck. Then one friend, the last person I thought of because she was busy, happened to see my post on Facebook and texted to say "on my way". None of the "close friends" that have said "whatever you need", were able to help. I got into the shower to clean up before heading out, I sat on the floor to dry my hair, and my son sat next to me crying "Please don't die Mom, please don't die." My sister spent sometime talking to him on the phone, trying to calm him down as I got ready to leave. He was going with me, I couldn't leave him alone, not knowing how long I'd be, nor what was going on.

He stayed in the waiting room while I went in for tests and I let them know when I was ready for him. He didn't want to show how upset and worried he was, but he climbed up on the gurney with me and snuggled. I was heavily medicated at that point, so him being on me didn't hurt one bit. I was released a few hours later w/ a diagnosis of a severe kidney infection. I wish I could say that was the end of the story, that I recovered and all was well. Unfortunately that's not the case. Having gone through the sudden loss of his dad, kiddo was very stressed all week. Unable to concentrate, focus, sleep. Worried about losing me without notice. A 12 year old shouldn't be thinking of such things.

On Wednesday, while he was at school, I developed some intense pain, called my doc and was directed to head back into the ER. It was close enough to the end of school that I knew I needed to let them know. I made arrangements w/ my so-called friend that he'd go home w/ her son, they're best friends, but she "couldn't be there and couldn't drive me". I drove myself across town to the emergency room. On the way I called the school counselor and asked her to call kiddo into her office and let him know what was going on and what he needed to do. How else could I handle this? I had no clue what to do.

I was in an exam room with no cell coverage, so I did my best to convince myself that he'd be ok. By the time I got back, with new meds and narcotics, and food to toss in the microwave for dinner, I found my son and his friend alone in the house. My girlfriend said they didn't want to stay at her house. ACK. I cooked dinner and the boys headed over there for the night. I normally don't allow weeknight sleepovers, but i was wiped out and in pain. I needed the pain meds and hate taking them when it's just him and I in case something happens.

I woke at 7am, dozed until 9ish, got up, took meds and by 11 was back in bed. It was around 1ish that I got a message from school. Kiddo fell asleep in school. Told his teacher he had a sleepover and didn't sleep much. I contacted my girlfriend and she said that he was up until 3am. Double ACK. I don't allow that when the boys are here. Can you sense my frustration? This is the same friend that hasn't called once to check in on me since last Friday when I went to the hospital the first time.

So my son came home, I heard him yelling at his friends "You don't know what it's like to have a parent die, I need to stay with my mom" ...

There are so many thoughts and feelings that I have about all of this.

• If you say you're going to be there for someone in their time of need, dammit, be there. 
• Friendship isn't something you turn on and off at will. Either you're friends and you'll stand by each other, or you won't. 
• Grief is a cyclical process and you never know what will set off a child from one point of that cycle into another point of it. 
• PTSD affects even children. My child suffers from it and it rears it's ugly head at times like this. 
• I hate that my son has to think of "what if mom dies"

I am closing here, because my brain is reeling with thoughts. Thoughts that I can't put together coherently and it's beginning to show in my writing.

When a child grieves ...

It hurts a momma's heart and soul to see your child in pain. When that pain is relived over and over though, it takes your breath away, you'd do anything to experience it for them, but you can't.

As an Adult, we can put some thought into what we are experiencing. We know that there are Stages of Grief, what many don't realize is as children grow and mature, they may re-experience the death and those Stages over again in a different manner.

So yesterday, when my BF's daughter was shouting "Good bye Dad, I love you" over and over, it struck a painful chord in my son and within minutes a torrent of tears and screams emanated from him, "Stop saying that!" as he pulled his hair, "Do you know what it's like not to ever be able to tell your Dad that you love him?" as he pounded his fists on his knees and growled; "Do you know what it's like for him to be away from home and die?", and the sobbing of "I will never see him again"...and on and on for 5 minutes.

All I could do was put my hand on his shoulder, breathe deep and sniffle and fight back tears (not well I might add). His pain was so evident and this was the first time he had been able to put those thoughts into words and express them so succinctly. I hurt me to the core. It took him about 10 minutes to regain his composure, and when he did he was happier than he had been all day. Last night he slept hard and when he woke up this morning he told me it was the best night of sleep he had in days. I don't doubt it. I know what it's like to go through that, I wish I could make it all go away for him, but I know it's a part of his journey to healing. He'll get there, I know he will. It will just take time ... and tears ...

frustration

school

kid

manipulation

tears

internal strife

homework

anger

grief

manipulation

love

death

fear

it all bubbles to the top when he gets upset and it drives me nuts. i don't know how to help him, i wish i did, i wonder how much more i can handle. 

We’re moving on out….

I’ve made the toughest decision that I’ve had to make in the past 4 years since losing Mark.

On August 30, my son and I will be moving out of our 1800 sq foot home of 13 years into a 1,270 square foot Townhome.

There is a lot to do, not only physically here (meaning OMGosh I have a LOT to get rid of), to get ready for this, but emotionally also. I am in tears as I write this. This is the house we chose together to raise our son, this is the only house we wanted. My neighbors are amazing people, they have been through good and bad with me, without them I don’t know where I’d be right now.

…. I’ll write more as this progresses, I honestly can’t see through the tears right now. Please keep us in your prayers.

I question again, what is my purpose?

I sit here in my house, on my laptop, with the TV on. I’m in a difficult situation, I feel my hands tied in so many ways, and as bad as I may think I have it, I know others have it worse.

I keep asking myself, God, What am I supposed to do? If I get a full time job will that be better for me? What about the days when my son is having a meltdown like Friday and I can’t leave for work? How do working parents do it?

What is my purpose Lord?

My girlfriend gave birth on Saturday, December 19th to a beautiful baby girl. Sunday night, I went to the hospital to relieve her husband for the evening, my girlfriend was in a lot of pain, she had a c-section and was having difficulties so the Doctor decided it was her meds and stopped all pain meds (huh??). Then it happened, she had a seizure with only me in the room. The Nurses and Doctor said I was wrong, that she was dizzy, over-tired etc and I let it go, but by Tuesday evening, a Neurologist delivered the life-changing news “You have Epilepsy”. She looked at me with tears in her eyes, she looked at those around the room, and tried to absorb all that was being said and understand what this meant to her for the foreseeable future. She can’t work, she can’t be alone with her 2 kids. She can’t nurse her new baby. She can’t drive. She can’t be over-stimulated.

What is my purpose Lord?

I spend my days crocheting, watching TV, resting and recouping from my busy days. What? That doesn’t sound busy? I’m on call for my friend, the one with the new baby. If someone can’t make it to be with her, I go stay there. If she has medical issues, I go help her. I attend all her appointments with her, she can’t remember things. She doesn’t always understand things. She’s applying for Disability, Food Stamps, Health assistance, whatever she can get to help her husband out. He works 60 hours a week to try and make ends meet. Her son stays w/ family and friends during the week, she misses him. He is home Monday and Wednesday nights so he can go to pre-school Tuesday/Thursday. Have I mentioned that I absolutely love my time with my girlfriend. It’s been challenging, it’s brought us closer, and that little baby, I could seriously eat her up, I love snuggling with her.

What is my purpose Lord?

Tuesday, Port Au Prince Haiti is hit with a 7.0 earthquake. I know that Mark would be fighting to get there to help. Our friends are safe. How sad is it that they are “fortunate” because they are too poor to live in Port Au Prince. The Village is growing daily now, those from Port are starting to arrive to stay with family, friends, strangers, anywhere they can get help.

What is my purpose Lord?

My girlfriend has 3 kids, she’s managed an Apartment complex for years, worked for the Property Managers for years before that. She lives with her 3 kids (1 in HS, 2 in Middle School) on property. Her ex-husband gives little support other than taking the kids every other weekend. Friday she was fired. She has 9 days to find a new home for her family. She will qualify for the highest Unemployment Benefit, a whopping $1640 a month, how will that support her family?

What is my purpose Lord?

I need desire direction Lord. I joke about the Neon Sign with an arrow telling me “Go this way” but internally I wish it would appear. My life changed so drastically when Mark left this earth, today is one of those days that I wish we had done things differently. Today is one of those days that I wish life were different. Today is one of those days I wish didn’t happen.

What is my purpose Lord?

Weathering the storm

I have so much swirling through my head and I know I won't be able to get it all out here, and if I were to do that, you wouldn't understand it anyway. That's ok though, because I blog for me, not for you, right?

Kiddo is having a really rough time right now and it's wearing on me emotionally. His anxiety is at an all time high and I can't pinpoint a reason, other than "The Holidays". I know it sounds like an excuse to those that don't understand the grieving process "Whoa it's the holidays, that gives them a free pass to be nasty?" I, as an adult, am able to identify times that I KNOW I will be 'in a mood' and prepare others for them. The week before June 21st, the 3rd week of September through the 10th of October. If I have the random down day, I recognize it and can make adjustments. Children though, they are a different beast when it comes to grief. They can't always verbalize what is bothering them, only that "something is wrong". They aren't able to decipher those deep seated feelings, fears, emotions and ask for help. They act out.

Kiddo is holding his head a lot, pulling his hair, groaning, moaning, clenching his teeth and grunting. I imagine that if I gave him some paper and crayons he'd be back to dark drawings (which he's not done in about 6 months). There is hurt and anger inside him that he can't express, and it's eating him from the inside out. As a mother, it kills me to see this, he has to weather through the storm though.

I pray for calm. I pray for understanding from those around, that his classmates go easy on him because he is sooo on the edge and vulnerable right now. I pray that people see his behavior as a response to grief,  not as something purposeful on his part.

Happy 45th Mark

to the man who is Forever 41!

Our son's favorite Daddy

    

We're toasting you with a Captain Morgan and Coke .... 

even in the moments before your last breath, you were smiling

We miss you and we'll never forget you. 

Hate is not a word I use lightly

Grief rears it's ugly head again. I'm sorry to keep bringing it up, but it's a part of my life whether I like it or not ... ok, who am I kidding? Like it?? Why the HELL would I like it?!

I fucking hate it.

I hate that it brings me down.

I hate that it's distancing me from the man that has made a huge difference in my life and loves me and my son to pieces.

I hate that it rules me somedays.

I hate that I went through the most unbelievable experience a wife can go through.

I hate that I lost my partner, my best friend, the man I fell in love with the first time I saw him.

I hate that tomorrow I mean Saturday WOULD be our 12 year wedding anniversary and we're not together because he died.

I hate that I am bawling my eyes out right now.

I hate that my son lost his daddy.

It's so not fair and I want to throw a fit.

I want to curl up in a ball and just sob.

I don't want to go through this any more.

I want this to end.

I want to NOT feel this pain anymore.