We’re moving on out….

I’ve made the toughest decision that I’ve had to make in the past 4 years since losing Mark.

On August 30, my son and I will be moving out of our 1800 sq foot home of 13 years into a 1,270 square foot Townhome.

There is a lot to do, not only physically here (meaning OMGosh I have a LOT to get rid of), to get ready for this, but emotionally also. I am in tears as I write this. This is the house we chose together to raise our son, this is the only house we wanted. My neighbors are amazing people, they have been through good and bad with me, without them I don’t know where I’d be right now.

…. I’ll write more as this progresses, I honestly can’t see through the tears right now. Please keep us in your prayers.

Simply Amazed

This week, although a hard one, has been amazing.

Not only did I end a 2 1/2 year relationship with Tim, yesterday I received foreclosure papers on my house for the second time in 3 years. I fought through it once, that was one hard battle because it involved Countrywide, who then sold me to Fannie Mae JUST when the Mortgage Crisis hit it's nastiest point and BOTH of those companies were in deep deep waters with the Feds. With all that I've gone through this week, I don't know that I have another battle like that in me between now and November.

I have been looking at apartments to rent, I have a really good idea of where I want us to move to, I have several friends in the same complex. I was chatting with one of those friends a little while ago and he said "Well damn, we will get together next week and brainstorm how to save that house for you, you canNOT lose it. We WILL come up with something, God is GOOD and HE will take care of you."

How did I get blessed with such amazing people?

For those

That have praying as a result of this, I say Thank You. Time will tell how it's going to turn out. 

Stressed

Going through a very difficult walk right now. Can't go into details, but I am praying very hard for someone's heart to be softened and mind to be open to change. I'm also praying that I get through this without another bout of shingles. It's something that I have to deal with and wish I didn't.

Will you pray for me?

56 Days of Not Knowing ... please help stop the madness ....

My family is not wanting there to be a 57, 58, or 59 ... 

Please share this with your family, friends, MySpace, Facebook and HELP US

 Bring Bryce Home! 

If you know ANYTHING and want to be anonymous, go to www.gmail.com, www.hotmail.com, or www.yahoo.com and make up an email address. From that email address you can email me here and I will get your information to the proper authorities. You can also contact  (910) 232-1687 and give the person that answers your information. 

Bryce Tarter is still missing

The days go on, and no word yet on my missing cousin Bryce Daniel Tarter. 

PLEASE spread the word, the more eyes the better!

Join us on Facebook  and check out his website.

There are searches, fundraisers, awareness gatherings, flyers and other info on that site.

For those in the local area, consider participating in Miles for Bryce. You agree to search a certain road, sign up and report back. This helps those in the area know which roads have been searched thoroughly and which haven't.

I question again, what is my purpose?

I sit here in my house, on my laptop, with the TV on. I’m in a difficult situation, I feel my hands tied in so many ways, and as bad as I may think I have it, I know others have it worse.

I keep asking myself, God, What am I supposed to do? If I get a full time job will that be better for me? What about the days when my son is having a meltdown like Friday and I can’t leave for work? How do working parents do it?

What is my purpose Lord?

My girlfriend gave birth on Saturday, December 19th to a beautiful baby girl. Sunday night, I went to the hospital to relieve her husband for the evening, my girlfriend was in a lot of pain, she had a c-section and was having difficulties so the Doctor decided it was her meds and stopped all pain meds (huh??). Then it happened, she had a seizure with only me in the room. The Nurses and Doctor said I was wrong, that she was dizzy, over-tired etc and I let it go, but by Tuesday evening, a Neurologist delivered the life-changing news “You have Epilepsy”. She looked at me with tears in her eyes, she looked at those around the room, and tried to absorb all that was being said and understand what this meant to her for the foreseeable future. She can’t work, she can’t be alone with her 2 kids. She can’t nurse her new baby. She can’t drive. She can’t be over-stimulated.

What is my purpose Lord?

I spend my days crocheting, watching TV, resting and recouping from my busy days. What? That doesn’t sound busy? I’m on call for my friend, the one with the new baby. If someone can’t make it to be with her, I go stay there. If she has medical issues, I go help her. I attend all her appointments with her, she can’t remember things. She doesn’t always understand things. She’s applying for Disability, Food Stamps, Health assistance, whatever she can get to help her husband out. He works 60 hours a week to try and make ends meet. Her son stays w/ family and friends during the week, she misses him. He is home Monday and Wednesday nights so he can go to pre-school Tuesday/Thursday. Have I mentioned that I absolutely love my time with my girlfriend. It’s been challenging, it’s brought us closer, and that little baby, I could seriously eat her up, I love snuggling with her.

What is my purpose Lord?

Tuesday, Port Au Prince Haiti is hit with a 7.0 earthquake. I know that Mark would be fighting to get there to help. Our friends are safe. How sad is it that they are “fortunate” because they are too poor to live in Port Au Prince. The Village is growing daily now, those from Port are starting to arrive to stay with family, friends, strangers, anywhere they can get help.

What is my purpose Lord?

My girlfriend has 3 kids, she’s managed an Apartment complex for years, worked for the Property Managers for years before that. She lives with her 3 kids (1 in HS, 2 in Middle School) on property. Her ex-husband gives little support other than taking the kids every other weekend. Friday she was fired. She has 9 days to find a new home for her family. She will qualify for the highest Unemployment Benefit, a whopping $1640 a month, how will that support her family?

What is my purpose Lord?

I need desire direction Lord. I joke about the Neon Sign with an arrow telling me “Go this way” but internally I wish it would appear. My life changed so drastically when Mark left this earth, today is one of those days that I wish we had done things differently. Today is one of those days that I wish life were different. Today is one of those days I wish didn’t happen.

What is my purpose Lord?

Weathering the storm

I have so much swirling through my head and I know I won't be able to get it all out here, and if I were to do that, you wouldn't understand it anyway. That's ok though, because I blog for me, not for you, right?

Kiddo is having a really rough time right now and it's wearing on me emotionally. His anxiety is at an all time high and I can't pinpoint a reason, other than "The Holidays". I know it sounds like an excuse to those that don't understand the grieving process "Whoa it's the holidays, that gives them a free pass to be nasty?" I, as an adult, am able to identify times that I KNOW I will be 'in a mood' and prepare others for them. The week before June 21st, the 3rd week of September through the 10th of October. If I have the random down day, I recognize it and can make adjustments. Children though, they are a different beast when it comes to grief. They can't always verbalize what is bothering them, only that "something is wrong". They aren't able to decipher those deep seated feelings, fears, emotions and ask for help. They act out.

Kiddo is holding his head a lot, pulling his hair, groaning, moaning, clenching his teeth and grunting. I imagine that if I gave him some paper and crayons he'd be back to dark drawings (which he's not done in about 6 months). There is hurt and anger inside him that he can't express, and it's eating him from the inside out. As a mother, it kills me to see this, he has to weather through the storm though.

I pray for calm. I pray for understanding from those around, that his classmates go easy on him because he is sooo on the edge and vulnerable right now. I pray that people see his behavior as a response to grief,  not as something purposeful on his part.

Cale and Christa ...

UPDATED: PRAYERS ARE AMAZING! BOTH CALE AND CHRISTA ARE OUT AND ABOUT!!

Cale is due October 24th with Baby Caden, they spent the first 4 1/2 months of the pregnancy in the hospital due to hyper-emisis. The last few weeks have been better, but not 100%. Well the Doctor has determined that Cale is already dilated and she is having ultrasounds done now to determine if she will be hospitalized again.

Christa is due December 24th and broke out in a rash head to toe and has had trouble breathing. She spent the day in the hospital, she's home now, fasting for 10 hours before she returns to the hospital for more testing tomorrow.

Please keep these two moms-to-be in your prayers.

the brain is running

at millions of miles an hour tonight.

so many things i need to write, yet i can't get a single thought on paper. it's there, it's so random. lots of things jumping, but i just can't grab one and go with it.

i can tell it's going to be rough for a few days. not sure what's causing this.

would you keep me in your prayers, please.

Quick update ...

Sunday was an emotional rollercoaster.

• We spread some of Marks ashes at Church,
• Celebrated with the High School Youth Group on their successful mission trip to Denver Colorado.
  
• Remembered the life of Jim Nelson, a wonderful man of Christ.

I thought that was enough ....

Monday morning I woke to the news that the Dougy Center Grief Support building that we have gone to for over a year, was burned down. It appears to be arson.

It was as if someone poured salt in wounds, the pain was tremendous. Why someone would target a place that provides comfort and hope to so many that are already hurting is beyond comprehension.

I watched and read the reports, cried, felt ill. Perhaps my reaction is a bit too much, but I truly do see the difference the program has made in our lives since we started there. I've seen it help others in amazing ways. To see it all in ashes is unfathomable, yet it is.

We go there tonight, we will hold group in the Office next door. Their will be a lot to process. Alot of unknowns at this point. The one thing I do know is that the Dougy Center WILL move past this. It will take the help of many and pretty soon, money needs to roll in for the project. It's more than a building, there was so much inside to replace, and yet so much that can't be replaced. It seriously is like a family member is gone now.

I will post more about this, My family is planning something to do...

We ask Why Lord?

Please note, this post DOES have some graphic information in it, read on knowing that.

The week started Sunday with the news that "B" was in labor and having April-Rose. It quickly deteriorated into the reality that is today, the whole thing was a hoax, a scam. It leaves us with many hurts, questions and in some cases anger. Who is that anger with? "B"? God? Ourselves for "falling" for the con?

People ask how it could happen? How could someone be so cruel? How could someone "take advantage" of well meaning people that would pray for a sick child that isn't even born yet?

It happens, and the thing is, it happens in everyday life day after day. It's all over the media.

2 weeks ago, my sons school was rocked when we heard that a mother had pushed her two children off a 75 foot bridge, killing the 4 yr. old son and seriously injuring the 7 yr old daughter.

This past weekend, a 21 yr old woman, in her final weeks of her pregnancy, went to pick up clothing from someone that listed them on Craigslist, only to be murdered and have the unborn child cut from her womb.

We hear of Parent Volunteers taking the Soccer Club money; the Aide to an Elderly person cleaning out the persons Jewelry or checking accounts.

So is what "B" really any different? Unfortunately, not so much. She wrote a great story, and we believed it. It's that simple.

What she really did though, was bring together a large community that prayed together for an unborn child. How many started to pray for the first time and continued to pray daily when they heard that story? How many will pray for the first time for the family of Amanda Stott-Smith and her surviving daughter Trinity and continue to pray for them over the years to come? How many will pray for the first time for the family of Heather Snively as they prepare to bury their daughter and grandson and then continue to pray for them?

Is this the lesson that we are to get from these horrific events? More than the people that got hurt, I truly feel that we need to be praying for those that perpetrate these horrific acts. Can you imagine being in that much pain that you need to create an elaborate web of lies? How much time did that take to put it together and keep story lines straight? How much pain must you be in to throw your children, who are kicking and screaming, off a bridge in the middle of the night? How much pain must you be feeling to .... do you get my point?

These people, however much "hatred" we might hold towards them, deserve our prayers as much as the innocent victims.

Even Jesus when on the Cross, asked his Father to Forgive those that were killing him. We owe the same to these people and we need to pray for them.

Father, I ask that you watch over all those mentioned above. Father we know that YOU will be the one that ultimately they will face. No amount of punishment on this earth can make these situations better, but we can ask that YOU come into their lives; I ask that their hearts and minds be softened just enough to open up and let you in.

Father, I ask that you provide comfort to those that are hurt by these peoples actions. It may be from near or afar, but people are hurting. Allow us to forgive, allow us to pray, allow us to grieve, allow us to be angry, most of all, allow us to continue to love and trust that you are the Hope we need in our life.

We ask these things in your name.

Amen

I am sickened!

I will continue to pray for "B". I have removed the pictures of April Rose because it has been shown that the story was a hoax.

I think that MckMama, Angie and Raechel handled the situation as well as can be expected at this time.

Honestly, there is nothing they can do about it except continue to pray for "B", that she gets the help that she obviously needs.

Wait a minute, did that Queen of Chaos say PRAY FOR THIS LADY??

Yes, I sure did. What more can we as Christian women do? We are not in any position of Authority, we have no legal clout, but we have the power of prayer that "B" needs now more than ever.

It's obvious that people around her now know what she did based on the phone calls made, she will have to answer to those that question her in person, and ultimately to the Lord when her time comes.

Will we ever know the truth? Only time will tell. Honestly though, will it matter? "B" knows the truth and will have to live with it the rest of her life.

Readers, these situations happen. They happen on the internet, they happen real life, I've personally been involved in quite a few situations like this and it's not fun to be a part of the group "taking someone down". It's not fun to be deceived, it hurts like heck.

So at this time, I humbly request that the chaos subside. We think about this woman and her family and keep them in our prayers. They will be needing all we can muster to get through this.

Prayers listed ...

I have in my right hand sidebar, a list of prayer requests of people that I know. If you wish to be added, please let me know.