Simply Amazed

This week, although a hard one, has been amazing.

Not only did I end a 2 1/2 year relationship with Tim, yesterday I received foreclosure papers on my house for the second time in 3 years. I fought through it once, that was one hard battle because it involved Countrywide, who then sold me to Fannie Mae JUST when the Mortgage Crisis hit it's nastiest point and BOTH of those companies were in deep deep waters with the Feds. With all that I've gone through this week, I don't know that I have another battle like that in me between now and November.

I have been looking at apartments to rent, I have a really good idea of where I want us to move to, I have several friends in the same complex. I was chatting with one of those friends a little while ago and he said "Well damn, we will get together next week and brainstorm how to save that house for you, you canNOT lose it. We WILL come up with something, God is GOOD and HE will take care of you."

How did I get blessed with such amazing people?

Whiplash ...

It's been a long 10 days, crazy busy, up and down, but OMGosh does the Lord provide and when the doors open and stay open, it does one well to walk right on through and see what's next!

About 6 weeks ago, my girlfriend and I decided we were going to look into becoming Certified Nursing Assistant's through our local Community College. It's an amazing program, incredible reputation and would allow us to work in a hospital setting once Licensed. We looked at the material and realized that some of the dates didn't jive, so off went emails and phone calls.

Have I mentioned that I have a very limited income? So does my girlfriend, how the HECK will we do this? Financial Aid doesn't pay for this so we investigated a program here in Oregon called WorkSource Oregon. Devised by the Employment Department, it's set up to assist out of work people with training and resources to get a new job. IF you need funding, and you jump through all their hoops, they may be able to help you with that. So 3 weeks ago we went through their Orientation program. I completed the required computer testing for reading and math, filled out all the forms and papers etc. We did our interviews and such. In the meantime, we signed up and completed our BLS Healthcare Provider Course course, basically 7 hours of intensive CPR practice and testing. We get home from that class and there is a phone call for us saying that the College is holding a mandatory Orientation on Monday the 26th at 3:30pm. Not a problem ~ except that my son has a critical appt at that same time, which by some miracle was able to be moved to 1pm. Do you see the Lord working here? We go to this orientation and we're told that there are ONLY 2 spots left in the Program that starts Monday, May 3rd. YIKES!! Tuesday is spent completing the WorkSource paperwork, Wednesday we sit with our Funding Advocate and go through everything, we find out that if approved, we will each receive $2500 towards our training. Total cost (minus gas and food) ... $2517! Holy smokes Batman! They may be paying for EVERYTHING!!

So we submit everything, we are told that the paperwork will be presented to the funding team on Thursday morning, we HAVE to register by Friday at the latest IF the positions are still open. Can you hear the stress and such?? Yes, we said some prayers. On Thursday at 11am we got the call, WE'RE FUNDED!! We call the School and find out that the 2 spots are still open! OMGOSH! Friday morning I picked up our vouchers, they've never had something process this fast (Thank you Lord again). I take my son to another critical appointment (this was truly the week from hell~it was his birthday also). I go drop him at school and let them know I'm picking him up at 2:15pm ... yes, only 4 hours of school Friday due to appts. My girlfriend and I drive 35 min to pick up our uniforms, it took 45 min to get back due to an accident on the road, we picked up my son and dropped him w/ my parents for his birthday w/ them ... then we hightailed it to the College Bookstore to get our supplies, arriving there at 3:30 we learned they close at 4pm. So we picked up everything we needed, ran to get checked out and even though we had some glitches there, we were done at 3:50pm. Absolutely unbelievable! We are starting on Monday, we do an intensive 6 week program that includes 3-36 hr weeks in the classroom and lab and then 3-36 hour weeks in the clinical setting. We finish the week before the kids get out of school. Phew!

If you're still with me, congratulations ... now for the downslope of the roller coaster week.

I've told you about my cousin Bryce who went missing on Jan 31, 2010. His mom and dad both moved to Savannah GA last weekend so that together they could work to find him and bring him home. Tuesday morning they received a phone call to head down to the river near the school. The local Marine Unit was doing a search w/ sonar, they arrived and soon after Bryce's truck was located, unfortunately, Bryce was in it also. Blake and Michaella felt that they couldn't be alone to continue the search, so he asked for a transfer from the Navy base he was at ... they needed to be where Bryce was until they found him. Well they did, he was buried on Sunday May 2nd at 19 years old. Bryce is finally home.

Whew ~ it's been highs and lows, I've cried and prayed, I've laughed and celebrated. I start school full time in the morning and I am so excited about the future! I don't know where I'll be in the blogging world, there's a ton of work to do for the program, but I'll be around and I will definitely covet your prayers during this time. The willingness of the Lord to open these doors has been AMAZING! Let me be a witness to His goodness in the weeks to come, for without him by my side, guiding me, I know that these opportunities would not have revealed themselves in such a manner.

Thanks for sticking with me, I'll be in touch soon!

In HIS name,

~M

following up ...

Kiddo is NOT doing the overnight, those are for school groups only (insert eyeroll emoticon here)... but she's taking David to see Cirque du Soleils "Kooza", I admit to being VERY envious! I've not seen them in a few years and I love their performances. She's also taking planning to take my nephew, but my sister is saying that he's not going because our Mom didn't let her know ahead of time that she wanted to do it and he's not going to be there. Geeshus Smeeshus! It's happening on April 30th! Today is April 1st! I realize you and mom have a crappy relationship, I do too, but don't let the kids suffer! ARGH!! Change your frickin plans!

Shingles .. did I mention that I had them??? Well I have a feeling that they're coming back. I'm sooo not happy. I'll keep you updated, but can definitely use your prayers.

So I had to call ....

... my mother. She wants to send kiddo on an overnighter for his birthday but still hasn't given me the details and I need to schedule his birthday party.

Warning: If you don't want to hear a rant today, one based on years and years of dysfunctional behavior that my mother insists does not exist on her part, than come back another day.

That woman totally drive me nuts. There is no other way to say it. She asked how I've been "Haven't heard from  you" ... yeah, well Mom if you actually picked up the phone to call once in awhile, maybe you'd know OR if you read the emails I sent out, you'd know the answer ... so I filled her in on how sick I've been since the end of January w/ the sinus infection, the asthma, the possible MRSA, the allergic reaction and the shingles. Her reaction was "Wow, and you didn't let us know?".

Excuse me as I lose it here .... I'll get back to the story in a minute ...

Why the HELL would I call YOU for support when I am sick? Uhhhh in case you don't remember, back a few years ago, yeah, when my world fell apart...yeah, that day when my husband died?!  Remember how you did NOTHING to help after the Funeral, except tell me that I was over-reacting to my sisters actions. Remember how you haven't done a THING to help when I have said I needed it over the past 3 1/2 years? Yeah, maybe THAT is why I didn't call you. Hmmmm last time we communicated was at the beginning of November (that would be 5 months ago) when I told you our plans for Thanksgiving were to be with you and Christmas up in WA, and you were "put off" because we weren't changing our plans because you didn't tell us about your trip out of the Country that was booked months in advance, that meant you weren't gonna be home for Thanksgiving. Your response at that time was "Great, we don't have to do any decorating or shopping for the holidays then". Wow mom. and you wonder why I don't call you?? Oh that's right, your phone doesn't make calls down the mountain. I forgot about that. The phone lines only run up the mountain. Get a friggin clue and get over yourself mom.

Ok rant over ... now back to the story...

...she proceeds to spend the next 15 minutes telling me about my step-dad, how he's been in and out of the hospital several times over the past few months (insert snarky comment here : this is the first I've heard any of that from her ... oh yeah, the phone lines running down the mt don't work~I forgot), how her laptop computer isn't working and she needs to get another one, but she doesn't like "System 7" because it's totally different than XP (blah blah blah). She told me how her house is such a mess because they had wood floors put down throughout the whole place and now she has to wash all her china and crystal by hand, (insert snarky comment here: OMGOSH THE WORLD IS GOING TO END ~ Mom THAT is the reason I don't have China or Crustal in my house ~ oh wait, no THAT is because my selfish SISTER took all of it from my inheritance split.) but I digress .... I really really digressed there (whoops) ....

so back to the overnighter that Mom wants to schedule. I for the life of me could NOT find them on the website she told me about, which initiated this call in the first place, and she informs me they are listed under the GROUP events. So while I have her on the line I pull them up and found them and as I read I tell her "These are events that are set up for School Groups mom" and she informs me that she is going to call and see if they'll make an exception and allow her to schedule one for her grandson and his friend, UGH Yes, this is seriously what I deal with when I have to deal with this woman. She truly feels that the world revolves around her. Well, we finally ended the call with her saying she would call me back later today, we will see. Honestly, if there is anyone that can get a place to do a "special case" it would be her, because she knows everyone and anyone that means anything in this Country, just ask her ... she'll tell you ....

(as I label this post, I wonder if I should add a category for SNARK)

I am considering a move ….

Wanna help me??

PLEASE!!

Please let me know which of the 4 you like best …

Option 1:

Option 2:

Option 3:

Option 4:

And so it continues

Just when I thought I was done being sick, I woke up Sunday with a red spot in my left eyebrow near the top of my nose. Figured it was a zit coming in, I am 45 after all, I still get zits ... ugh. I didn't really think much of it.

 

Monday I woke up looking like this. I know, annoying, but not the end of the world. Benadryl and sleep, hot pack here and there. It will go away, right?

Apparently not, Tuesday arrived and I looked like this! My lymph node under my left ear is swollen and hard, very painful to touch. You can see it sticking out. I'm not a happy momma. I'm taking Benadryl and sleeping again. 

Yeah, it's looking pretty bad isn't it? I know ... I called the doctor and left a message. She's out of the office on Tuesdays.

Which brings us to today, Wednesday. My eyelid is swollen and I feel like a character from Star Trek.

I've gone to the Doctor. She has cultured it (48 hrs for results), taken blood to check my white blood cell count (it's fine) and has me taking Cephalexin.  If I don't see a noticeable difference by Friday morning I am to call her. She will then call the local Emergency Room and order IV antibiotics for me. Her concern is that I may have contracted MRSA (basically staph that is resistant to antibiotics) while fighting my sinus infection.

So I'm washing my hands, taking my meds, I will be hot packing and taking Benadryl to help w/ the itching. I'll keep you updated as I progress. Of course we're supposed to be going to a Class Reunion out of town this weekend, it never fails.

Less than pleased...

Abigail was sent to us sick. Very sick.
Her Mom came down sick on Sunday, very sick.
Abigail went home Sunday night.
Tim woke up sick.
Abigail and her mom went to the doctor today.
Abigail has the Flu and rec'd the vax because she has Downs Syndrome and a heart condition.
Abigail's mom has H1N1.
There is an approx 40% False Negative on the H1N1 detection test (according to my Nurse neighbor who just came back from a major training on it).

Leads me to believe we've ALL been exposed to H1N1 and are on our way down. I started coughing this afternoon. I have never been one to use Purell and Lysol wipes, but I'm heading to the store right now.

I am less than pleased w/ the Ex-wife. She gets pissed at us if we bring Abigail home and "expose her daycare" to anything, but never has an issue with sending her to us sick without telling us first.

Here's the short version ... of my life ... details to come later!

Soooo ... it's been many years since I've seen or spoken w/ many of my friends from New York and Arizona. Several have commented, ok, more than several have commented or asked about all my last names. So here we go~and this is the condensed version:


Born 1965 as Marissa T. Mom and Dad divorced ... that in itself is a separate post for another time. 


Moved w/ the family in 1982 (the day after Jr. year ended w/ little notice) from NY to Prescott AZ, where I was registered in school for my Senior Year as Marissa M. (my step-fathers last name) and then moved a few months later to Flagstaff AZ where I graduated from Coconino HS as Marissa M. (although my diploma has my legal name of Marissa T. on it).


I attended Northern Arizona University until 1986, moved to Oregon w/ the family and attended Western Oregon State College. I left school in 1987 to work full time in the Monmouth, Independence, Salem area.


In May of 1990 I got married and my name became Marissa G.  I divorced in 1995 and reverted my last name to T.


In 1997 I moved up to Tualatin (Portland area), married Mark P. and we had our son David in 1998. In June 2006, Mark tragically had a major heart attack and died at the age of 41 while in Baton Rouge LA with his Youth Group, he was a HS Youth Minister.


Marks best friend Clark has been living w/ David and I for almost 2 years to help out so I could keep David in the house he has grown up in. In October 2007, I met in person a man (Tim) I had been chatting online with for 6 months, by January 2008 he asked me to be his wife, which I answered with a YES, and in March of 2008 he moved in with David, Clark and myself. It's a crazy house, but for us, it works.


We don't have a date set for the wedding yet, I'm still clearing up an IRS mess as a result of Marks passing (he wasn't done filing the taxes and I didn't know it...YIKES). Once that is done, we'll be setting a date.


At that time, my name will be Marissa C., although David has asked that I keep it P. We'll see how he feels when the wedding date comes, but as far as I'm concerned, I'm Mrs. C. already.


So there you have it, the Readers Digest Condensed version of my life... and all my last names.

Deja vu’

I started reading a blog tonight, the post deals with a failed adoption, and as my heart sank and cried for this couple, I read on in previous posts, and I began to get sick to my stomach.

You may recall reading about April-Rose and her mom Beccah Beushausen here. If you google them you will find a lot of information about the scams she has perpetrated on thousands of blog readers. What you may not know is that she has another Scam that she has pulled, she finds parents looking to adopt and runs them through 6-9 months of her pregnancy and at the last minute, pulls out of the Adoption. It’s all outlined in this Blog right here.

I wanted to scream out to this poor couple “NOOOOOO” but it’s too late, it’s already happened to them. In reading the comments it’s obvious that I am not the only one that feels this is Beccah up to her sick ways. The pattern is so obvious from afar, one excuse after another for not calling; not texting; not making it to a meeting or a doctors appointment.

I can only imagine how this couple felt while going through it, Hope posted her concerns, but ‘Rebecca’  assuaged them and eased her concerns each time. It’s amazing what we will believe or force ourselves to believe, against our better judgment, in order to become a parent. This couple prayed for and thought their prayers were answered. I can only pray now that they can heal from this and learn to trust again.

I am also back to praying for Bekah, if in fact this is one in the same. She is a lady that needs some serious help; she obviously didn’t get it, or it wasn’t effective. I can’t imagine living in her head, I can’t imagine being her family and having to put up with her illness.

Cleaning house ...

I refuse to  can't take pictures because my camera died and I haven't been able to replace it yet. Take it from me, the house was a mess on Friday. Not dirty, but a mess. Stuff all over the place, couldn't walk through some areas it was so bad.

I have NOT seen a couple shows on Hoarders and I was not shocked to see how in some ways, my place resembled what I was seeing on TV. I am NOT a Hoarder, we have 3 households combined into one here, space is incredibly tight and we have 2 kids that are NOT good at picking up after themselves and 3 adults that have learned from the kids ... yeah, that's it! Damn kids teaching up bad habits!!

So on Saturday it began, I started w/ the Toy Area, it has built in storage and bench seats and it is now CLEAN! Then on to the Kitchen and Dining Area. Tomorrow it's the rest of the Living Room, the hall table (which is going away so it doesn't become a dumping ground again) and then the Office Area (which is in the Dining Area). Wednesday I will do final dusting, sweeping and vacuuming. Wednesday Night I have friends coming over ... ahhhh relaxation!

Thursday I will threaten to kill anyone that leaves a mess; seriously ~ I will ... watch me!!

Today I Choose ...

I have learned many things through my many years of counseling and 12-stepping ... and I feel that the most important, yet the one I've obviously forgotten lately, is that I can make a choice now to do something, and then NOW I can make a choice to do something different; and there is NOTHING wrong with that!

We are in our present place and state of being because WE choose to be here.

I have been in an ugly and sad place for awhile. I've allowed situations to get the better of me. My circumstances are not even close to desirable for myself or my son, but I'm here and I have to do something about it. So right now, right this moment, I am choosing to do something different for us. It's not what I ultimately wanted for us, it's not what I would have chosen had I been 'in charge' of things, but it will work now, and that is most important to me.

So for today, I am accepting the settlement offer from the Insurance Company for my accident I had over a year ago. I do NOT have the time nor energy to fight a lawsuit against them, I have bills that need to be paid and a kid that needs clothes to wear. This will cover those costs, not all of them, but enough of them that some stress will be relieved until the next financial boost happens, which will hopefully be soon.

I've had this song rolling around in my head all day, and now I know why. I have forgotten to put Christ first and look to HIM for my guidance. The Forms have been sitting here for weeks, I've been mulling it over, and I let it get me down, the song came into my head overnight and I knew what I had to do, make a choice and go with it.

As for me and my house

chorus:

Today I choose to follow you

Today I choose to gi ve my'yes' to u

Today I choose to hear your voice and live

Today I choose to follow you

Verse:

As for me and my house

we will serve you

as for me and my house

we will spend our lives on you

(Repeat chorus and Verse)

Chorus

Bridge:

Wonderful counseler , Everlasting Fa-ther

E-ternal King , Lord of hosts

willingly we fol- low

Chorus

So I ask you, those reading, what choice are YOU making today? Doesn't it feel GREAT to know that you can choose now, and now, and now, and then again in  10 min if you want to change that choice? I think so and I will continue to let myself choose to do what works for me.

Hate is not a word I use lightly

Grief rears it's ugly head again. I'm sorry to keep bringing it up, but it's a part of my life whether I like it or not ... ok, who am I kidding? Like it?? Why the HELL would I like it?!

I fucking hate it.

I hate that it brings me down.

I hate that it's distancing me from the man that has made a huge difference in my life and loves me and my son to pieces.

I hate that it rules me somedays.

I hate that I went through the most unbelievable experience a wife can go through.

I hate that I lost my partner, my best friend, the man I fell in love with the first time I saw him.

I hate that tomorrow I mean Saturday WOULD be our 12 year wedding anniversary and we're not together because he died.

I hate that I am bawling my eyes out right now.

I hate that my son lost his daddy.

It's so not fair and I want to throw a fit.

I want to curl up in a ball and just sob.

I don't want to go through this any more.

I want this to end.

I want to NOT feel this pain anymore.

The thumbnail version

What follows accompanied my 2008 Application to Multnomah University, a fantastic Bible University that happens to be here in the Portland area. I was accepted to the program but due to circumstances beyond my control (hmmm God incidence?) I was unable to continue in the program. This gives a view into my life that I know and will delve into more in the near future.

Personal Statement to supplement my Application

I grew up in a Catholic church. On Sundays I attended Mass and also participated in youth group and choir, yet I didn’t know there was more to Christianity than that. It was something “I did” just as I “did” other things.

It wasn’t until I joined my present Church back in 2000 that the honest realization of Christ being in my daily life all along happened. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family with alcohol abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, lies, deceit, divorce…you name it, I’ve been through some form of it. I was moved from NY to AZ in 1982 (two moves during my SR year of HS) and again in 1986 to Oregon, with no logical explanation from my parents, other than threats.

As I grew, random people came into my life that had major impact on how I am how. What they did wasn’t anything huge, but they were connections that would forever change the course of my life. I look back on my life and can now realize that the Lord put those “random” people right where I needed them unbeknownst to me.

In 1990 I met and married my first husband. He turned out to be a con-man and an alcoholic who feigned ‘recovery’. He was not drinking, but had all the signs of an active drinker still. He was a “dry-drunk”. I divorced him and met my future 2nd husband. Mark and I went through some very difficult times. He was an active alcoholic and compulsive gambler however he asked for help in 1996 and our lives changed forever.

I had been in counseling for years, the 12 steps of Al-Anon made so much sense to me, and my world began to open. In 1997 Mark and I were married, in 1998 our son was born and in 2000 we found our Church home at Our Saviors Lutheran Church in Lake Oswego. I began to look back on my life and recognize that while I thought I was alone, experiencing all the hardships I had endured, the Lord was right beside me the entire time. He placed that “random” Red Cross volunteer at my camp, the one that recognized my last name and asked if I was Jim’s daughter, this stranger knew my birth father that I hadn’t seen in years. The Lord brought Melissa from 30 minutes away weekly to attend my youth group, we didn’t understand why someone would drive 30 min to go to a group where she knew no one, but she did and we became best friends. When I called her to tell her about this “random red cross guy” she hung up and told her mom. A few minutes later my phone rang at home and it was Melissa’s mother, seems she was my fathers Counselor and until THAT moment, never connected us being related because she worked an hour away in NY City. Looking back it became very clear that the Lord had been in control and in my life through it all.

In 2006, my life would change forever and I would question everything I had come to believe. Mark had been called into Ministry and took over the HS Youth Program at OSLC in 2003, we suddenly had over 100 HS youth calling us mom and dad, it was wonderful and although he was the head of the ministry, WE worked together as a team. While completing his Certificate of Youth Ministry through Wartburg Seminary, he heard of the tremendous need for hurricane relief assistance in New Orleans. He could NOT get it out of his head. He prayed, I prayed, and together we felt that the High School program needed to be there. This is a group that has a 30 year history of traveling the week after school gets out to sing and serve. The next 9 months were met with resistance, brick walls that he constantly chipped away at, the reality that if a problem arose while there, he would lose his job and throughout that, he kept prayerful and positive. This trip was driven by the Lord and he was going to see it through. On June 16th, Mark flew out of PDX with a group of 70 youth and adults to spend a week ministering to those devastated by Hurricane Katrina. I stayed home with our son and waited for the daily check in phone calls that were usually quick because communications were still spotty. He was tired, exhilarated and over the top amazed at how the Lord was working in the lives of all involved. On Wed June 21st my day started with a phone call informing me that Mark had collapsed and CPR was being performed. I listened as people reacted, I heard the paramedics arrive, I spoke with those involved in the resuscitation attempt and while I knew they were doing their best, I knew in my heart that my husband and life partner, my son’s daddy, was gone. 45 minutes later the official call came and at that time, I started to question everything.

We knew that he had a family history of heart attacks in their late 40’s, we thought we had 7 more years together minimally. He had seen his doctor 2 weeks prior and was given a clean bill of health. We had done everything the right way, we had a great family, he was doing the work of the Lord, we took a 50% income cut for this job, the list went on and on. WHY???

And then the rush died down, and I got quiet and listened. The amazing thing, others heard the same thing I heard, “Mark did his time. He accomplished what I wanted Him to do. His work on earth is done and he needs to come Home”. If Mark had died two weeks prior to the trip, even 2 days into the trip, it would have been cancelled. At the point he died, the kids were 3 days away from flying home, they felt it was their duty to continue the trip in honor of Mark because He felt their being called to New Orleans and so they continued.

The past 26+ months have been difficult at times, and yet they’ve been so easy at others. I have been a stay at home mom for most of my son’s life. I worked for a 6 month stint before Mark died, but when they changed my shift to include working on Sundays and I spent Easter Sunday working, I gave my notice and quit. Family and my relationship with Christ and our calling to the Ministry was much more important than that job and I never looked back on it. Our son had an extremely difficult time after Marks death. He already had ADHD and developed a severe Anxiety Disorder that centered around me “leaving and not coming back”, rather logical considering the circumstances. He knows that I will not leave him without a reason, he knows where I will be and why. He knows and trusts that I leave him with safe people. He knows that Daddy and God are looking over him and protecting him. He also knows that when it’s our time to go, that the Lord will take us. We can’t question why or how, only He knows those things. Yet logically he didn’t want me going anywhere but to school and home and so that’s what I did for 26 months. Living on what little Social Security Survivor benefits we receive has been difficult. I exhausted every financial option I could find, and have just pulled my house out of foreclosure. It’s amazing that Credit Companies don’t recognize Gods Will as a reason for not making a payment, but I digress.

The Lord has put some amazing people in my life, friends that have been there to give me breaks when I desperately needed them, a neighbor that dropped off bags upon bags of food and even loaned me their car for a week when mine was in the shop for repairs. Marks Aunt paid my bills for several months, Marks best friend rented a room from me rather than in an Apartment complex to help pay my mortgage. Most recently Tim was brought into my life, we met online over a year ago and met in person last Halloween. He proposed in January, has moved down here from Washington, and has accepted me, lock, stock and baggage. David loves him and my friends and parents really like him. He has helped me through so much and is thrilled to support me on my new path. There are many things that we’ve learned about our individual walks with the Lord that are similar, I won’t get into them here, but it’s another sign to us that God has a plan and we are to be together. This summer while working at Vacation Bible School I had many people come up to me and ask when I was going to get more involved in Ministry. I’ve struggled with where “I fit” into our Church since Marks passing, have talked with many about that struggle, but never had a clear cut answer. When I saw the information about this program, I knew it was right. I shared it with those that are around me and we all agreed that this IS my new call. I know that I want to be working with Youth and their families. I have been through many struggles with many families and even now, am surrounded by some pretty difficult situations.

My son is thrilled that Mommy is going back to school as is Tim and my friends and family. I finally feel that THIS is right and that it is Christ driven. I have thoughts and ideas of what I want to do, I am starting to write them down, I have a feeling that I am going to be called to a different Church and will be doing something completely different in the near future, but I no idea what that is. What keeps me grounded is that I know that God is in control and as long as I keep Him as the focus of my energies, I will be led to places and people to do His work.

I know this was long, but it’s the only way I can express my experience and what I see for my future. I hope it answers all the questions you may have for me, if it doesn’t, please ask. It has been suggested that I write a book of my life experiences, to share with others the Hope that a life with the Lord can bring. I have much written already but need to pull it together, perhaps that will come easier as I work through this Degree Completion program.

Thanks for your consideration.

With His love and guidance, I respectfully submit this for your consideration.

Marissa Phillips

She who forgets

The text message arrived at 8:30pm last night:

Peanut had one hell of a day so we got started later than expected so I apologize for it being later than expected but I really think it’s best if I bring her straight to you then I’ll drive till I’m tired and get a motel. it makes more sense than keeping everyone up.

Uhhh WHAT?? Thursday night we talked and you said you were bringing her here Sunday afternoon! David was getting ready to go to bed, we were going to watch a movie and enjoy a quiet night.

Tim texted back and said “We were expecting her tomorrow afternoon”; To which she responded “Oh yeah, I forgot”. You FORGOT? You FORGOT!?? How in the world do you forget that you’re leaving for California on SUNDAY and suddenly do it on Saturday. I just don’t buy this “I’m going down there for training” bit. Sorry, There are just so many things that don’t line up in your story.

And so we waited … and waited … and at 10:30pm we got a phone call, “Hi Daddy, I’m here”. The ex won’t even come up to the door. We have to go out to the street to get Abigail. We are handed a bag of garbage from Dairy Queen, Abbie is asked if she wants to finish her blizzard, she can even have Moms (wait a minute, doesn’t she go nuts on us when we do fast food because she needs to be on a low fat diet?). Grrrrr … and we are handed 1 bag of clothes for the couple of days we will have her. Hmmm and what’s that in the back of your truck? Hmm they look like CAMPING SUPPLIES not “training” supplies. I give up, seriously, this lady is absolutely nuts! I try so hard to be nice, to her face I am, even when Abbie is nasty to me in front of her mom. The first 5 minutes with her in the house were hell, and then she changed, like a switch was flipped.

Now, if we can get this kid to stay in her bed all night and not wake us up constantly.

It's Friday!

We're still 12 days away from the start of school, my son is bored to tears (literally, he cried last night about being so bored).

Today we're going to finish his bedroom transformation that was started on ... oh ... April 28th! Yes I AM that procrastinator. Life has just been in the way, seriously, STOP LAUGHING at me! Better now? Good.

So on the topic of life getting in the way, we were supposed to head up to WA for a couple days, pick up the step-daughter, go to a 21st Birthday BBQ for my Kings' neice and then visit my sister in law and brother in law tomorrow. They recently relocated from CA to the same town that one of my Kings sisters lives in. However, if you recall, my King lost his job almost a month ago and the money just isn't in the budget.

(Here's where it gets good) Sooooo we contacted the Kings ex-wife and let her know of our change in plans (funny, we have no problems ~other than grumbles and laughs ~ when she changes plans but when we do it we screw up her entire life). She's bringing the step-daughter here Sunday afternoon and we will bring her home Tuesday. Why Tuesday? Well because she starts school on Wednesday. Now ... you are surely wondering, WHY is that a problem? Well I suppose it's not, but the reason ex-wife is gladly dropping her off here (because it doesn't happen, believe me) is that she's going to CA for a week. WHAT??? YOU ARE LEAVING YOUR DAUGHTER TO DO HER FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL ALONE? Well not alone, her older sister will get her off to school...but Come ON! How many moms, especially one that calls almost daily crying when her daughter is on visitation here (even if it's only 2 days) telling her "baby" that she misses her so much, misses the first day of school for any child, especially a special needs child?

Ok, I had better stop, because the mean, nasty side of me is going to rear it's ugly head. I try so hard to be a good christian, but bottom line, I'm human and this woman really really tests all my beliefs in people. Breathe, breathe, breathe ....

My king is making yummy omelettes for us to eat ... off to enjoy.

the brain is running

at millions of miles an hour tonight.

so many things i need to write, yet i can't get a single thought on paper. it's there, it's so random. lots of things jumping, but i just can't grab one and go with it.

i can tell it's going to be rough for a few days. not sure what's causing this.

would you keep me in your prayers, please.

Encouragement...

It’s the Journey … that gets us to the end point, or at a stopping point that we can safely stop, turn around and breathe. Once there, we can look back and see that we were never alone and that it was all planned out long before we were thought about.

Jeremiah 29:11-14 (New International Version)

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. [a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

Footnotes: [a] Jeremiah 29:14 Or will restore your fortunes

While I never spent much time in Bible Study, this verse stuck with me for many years and I never understood why. Let's be real, it is so incredibly hard to do in daily life, to put our thoughts and feelings aside and to listen, to be still and hear the voice of God. To have FAITH and remember that Our Lord knows our birth date and our death date long before we are even known to exist.

I have to remind myself of that from time to time, and last week, while speaking w/ an acquaintance on Twitter, that plan He had for me came up. After David was born, I had 2 miscarriages. One was at about 20 weeks along, yes...you read that right, very late however there were problems from the beginning of the pregnancy, I was on antibiotics from the beginning of it and the baby was not developing properly at all. In fact, when I had my first ultrasound at what should have been about 14 or 15 weeks along, the baby was only 7 weeks along in development. 7 days before Christmas I began to cramp and bleed, and I knew it was over, it was confirmed on a Friday afternoon and on the Tuesday before Christmas I had a D&C to complete the miscarriage. I had permission from my doctor to get on a plane on Wednesday evening, as previously planned, and fly to California to see family down there for the holiday. It was not only emotional, but painful, and everyone there handled it well. I had drugs, those helped a lot wih the physical pain, but not the emotional pain. We spent some great time with my grandmother, not knowing that it would be her final Christmas on this earth with us. We also spent time on the beach, talk about healing...I can't put into words how refreshing that was. But I digress.

Throughout that time and the subsequent miscarriage, which happened much earlier in my pregnancy and did not require medical intervention, I questioned WHY? Why were these lives that we so desperately wanted taken from us? Why were we being punished? What did we do wrong?

We were good Christians, we went to church, we prayed as a family, we turned our lives around and were doing well. We were "older" if you will and our son wanted to be a big brother so much.

You see, I thought it was about me, about our family; I totally forgot it was about Him. I forgot that HE had a plan for me us. You see, the Lord KNEW that on June 21, 2006 he would call Mark home. He KNEW that I would be thrown into the chaos known as Widowhood AND be a single parent to a child that would fall apart and need every ounce of my energy for the next 3 years. I had NO IDEA that would happen, in hindsight, I'm pretty damn happy that I didn't know that.

• He knew that I would NOT be able to handle 3 kids on my own.
• He knew that I would rely on friends and some family to help me through
• He knew that I would need certain needs met.
• He always provided.
• He made that committment and promise to us and
• HE follows through ALWAYS!

How AWESOME is that??

Off for the weekend

It's been a stressful and draining week. Just as I was feeling better yesterday, Tim came home from work early and let me know he had been laid off. We immediately went into "howthehellarewegoingtosurvive" mode.

We think we have it figured out, we hope we have it figured out, he's already got his resume in for another job and is on the road to pick up Abbie for the week. Clark and I are heading to the store and bank to get errands done and then we are packing EVERYONE including the dog up and heading out to the family farm to camp for 2 nights. Only costs us coffee, chips and hot dogs! What a deal!!

We have faith. The Lord will NOT leave us hanging, there are plans in place for me to become a partner in a well established business in September, and for 6 weeks we can "get by" if needed.

So that said ... we will see you on Monday. Have a great weekend! I'm sure I will have some stories to share!

still here ...

...just been taking care of myself and my family

temperatures this week over 100* for 4 days straight

dog is going stir crazy, can't get out to run

concrete is approx 130*

street approx 155* (not hot enough to fry an egg...we tried)

house w/ ac is between 76* and 80*

add to that

• Migraine headache
• ears that are ringing
• dizziness
• low tolerance for extreme temps...

and you can see why you haven't seen hide nor hair of me the week.

Please keep Stellan and the entire MckFamily in your prayers. While the immediate urgent crisis of this weekend has calmed to some degree, he is still a baby in crisis.

It hurts!

Have you ever wanted something so bad that it hurts? I'm at that point right now, it's absolutely insane, i know it, and i know i can't have it, but that doesn't change that I want it.