A dinner ... for you ....

Katie and the kids were here. We had spaghetti, sausages and tomato sauce, just like you liked ... Pink Lemonade of course (yes, Katie and I had Malibu in it!) ... I made a chocolate cake for dessert, the frosting didn't work out right so I turned it into a chocolate-caramel drizzle ~ you would have absolutely loved it!

Yes, this IS your son! 

Katie and I toasted to what we had and where we've gone to since you left us.

We agreed, if you were still with us, we'd be leaving the kids with you for a few days and we'd take advantage of an airfare special and head to NY for a few days! You wouldn't mind, right ???

Here ... take a look at the precious angels .... 

No problem ....... 

Right???

I spoke with one of our pre-school friends a few weeks ago, remember B.? The boy that was so difficult then? He's doing great now, has a fantastic memory of the last day of pre-school for the kids after graduation, when they all changed into water clothes and we had water balloon tosses .... He remembers you taking the hose and DOUSING the kids! Says it was the most fun he had at pre-school. I'm so glad that the kids remember these things. They mean the world to me.

Well babe, another milestone ... oh yeah, Happy Belated Anniversary also, last week would've been 14 years! Maybe next year we'll have a 15th Anniversary Party .... maybe.

Happy Birthday ....

you'd be 47 today .... world sure is a different place without you.

david is growing up
he's getting TALL
you'd love his fart jokes lol
i remember how scared you were when they said they were doing a c-section to deliver him
and how happy you were when he was born.

me, i'm still looking for work
i hope this next application is the one that clinches it for me
i want need this to happen for david and i sooo bad
if you have any pull, this would be the time to ask for the favor

yes, those are tears flowing now
i didn't expect them
but then i didn't expect to be without you
i still miss you daily
i go back and remember things
and i wish it were different

i'm doing well my love, but i do miss you like hell
it's just not the same, my heart has a hole that will always be missing you ...

5 years .... Strength or Survival

He's still gone, this nightmare doesn't end, it only evolves into new and exciting adventures.


I've heard over the years since Mark died, and even today, how strong I am. Here is my response:


I truly feel that we never know our own strength until it is tested, while I don't feel I'm a strong person, I know that I've done what I've needed to do to survive the past 5 years of this "hellish suck club of widowhood" ... I think my widow friends will agree. None of us feel strong, we are survivors.

In the midst of trial ...

appears those that you least expect to help out.

While my main support system did fail, I can't let it pass that I did get help from unsuspecting people.

Lea was busy Fri night, and i know she's up really early for work, so I admit, I didn't think to call her even though she's in the neighborhood. She was heading to bed, she went to close her browser and saw my FB plea for help, and sent me the text saying she had to change back into clothes and was on her way.

Kate saw my frustration on twitter Sat that my friend didn't go get my meds as promised, so she added me to her list of errands, did my shopping, banking and med run for me. Seriously folks, she was an angel, we had only met IRL once before at my garage sale. She has the cutest kids, I gladly kept them here so she could get a little time alone also.

My boyfriend Eric and his daughter came over on Sunday to spend a few hours before he drove her home and had to head North, he just started a new job and is working almost 50 hrs a week.

A former neighbor came by with a surprise Christmas food drop for me. 5 bags of groceries and a Turkey. Humbled and blessed.

My friend Jake dropped by w/ a fantastic Christmas CD for me, and has called daily even though he's getting ready for his band's first music video shoot this weekend.

My ex even offered to drive down 3 hours to spend time helping if I needed, yet none of the "close friends" that have been here through all of this, were able to be here for me.

So while it was frustrating, there were major bright lights from unexpected places, and they weren't trains! I am blessed, I am humbled that people I barely know would go out of their way to help me out. It's times like these that really show you where we need to prune. Thank you Lord for being so blunt!

Where you realize your support system is non-existent

warning, this post is angry, disjointed, and basically a widowed moms worst nightmare ...

Last Wednesday, the shivers and shakes started. I couldn't warm up, no matter what I tried. Then the fever hit and remained through Friday night, when it spiked once again, almost to 103*.

Reality hit, this momma's worst nightmare. I had to go to the ER. There was no way around it. I put the word out that I needed help, I have thought I had lots of friends around and amazingly enough, everyone no one could help. My sister was in Washington DC on business and she was calling in favors to get me there, but no luck. Then one friend, the last person I thought of because she was busy, happened to see my post on Facebook and texted to say "on my way". None of the "close friends" that have said "whatever you need", were able to help. I got into the shower to clean up before heading out, I sat on the floor to dry my hair, and my son sat next to me crying "Please don't die Mom, please don't die." My sister spent sometime talking to him on the phone, trying to calm him down as I got ready to leave. He was going with me, I couldn't leave him alone, not knowing how long I'd be, nor what was going on.

He stayed in the waiting room while I went in for tests and I let them know when I was ready for him. He didn't want to show how upset and worried he was, but he climbed up on the gurney with me and snuggled. I was heavily medicated at that point, so him being on me didn't hurt one bit. I was released a few hours later w/ a diagnosis of a severe kidney infection. I wish I could say that was the end of the story, that I recovered and all was well. Unfortunately that's not the case. Having gone through the sudden loss of his dad, kiddo was very stressed all week. Unable to concentrate, focus, sleep. Worried about losing me without notice. A 12 year old shouldn't be thinking of such things.

On Wednesday, while he was at school, I developed some intense pain, called my doc and was directed to head back into the ER. It was close enough to the end of school that I knew I needed to let them know. I made arrangements w/ my so-called friend that he'd go home w/ her son, they're best friends, but she "couldn't be there and couldn't drive me". I drove myself across town to the emergency room. On the way I called the school counselor and asked her to call kiddo into her office and let him know what was going on and what he needed to do. How else could I handle this? I had no clue what to do.

I was in an exam room with no cell coverage, so I did my best to convince myself that he'd be ok. By the time I got back, with new meds and narcotics, and food to toss in the microwave for dinner, I found my son and his friend alone in the house. My girlfriend said they didn't want to stay at her house. ACK. I cooked dinner and the boys headed over there for the night. I normally don't allow weeknight sleepovers, but i was wiped out and in pain. I needed the pain meds and hate taking them when it's just him and I in case something happens.

I woke at 7am, dozed until 9ish, got up, took meds and by 11 was back in bed. It was around 1ish that I got a message from school. Kiddo fell asleep in school. Told his teacher he had a sleepover and didn't sleep much. I contacted my girlfriend and she said that he was up until 3am. Double ACK. I don't allow that when the boys are here. Can you sense my frustration? This is the same friend that hasn't called once to check in on me since last Friday when I went to the hospital the first time.

So my son came home, I heard him yelling at his friends "You don't know what it's like to have a parent die, I need to stay with my mom" ...

There are so many thoughts and feelings that I have about all of this.

• If you say you're going to be there for someone in their time of need, dammit, be there. 
• Friendship isn't something you turn on and off at will. Either you're friends and you'll stand by each other, or you won't. 
• Grief is a cyclical process and you never know what will set off a child from one point of that cycle into another point of it. 
• PTSD affects even children. My child suffers from it and it rears it's ugly head at times like this. 
• I hate that my son has to think of "what if mom dies"

I am closing here, because my brain is reeling with thoughts. Thoughts that I can't put together coherently and it's beginning to show in my writing.

What to buy for Christmas ... in tweets ...

MPdaCNA M 

If you're unsure what to get your loved one for Christmas, and you don't have a LOT to spend, invest in LIFE INSURANCE! (cont)

MPdaCNA M 

When my hubby died, we didn't have any, nor mortgage insurance, my life would've been different if that had been in place.

MPdaCNA M 

I know, not a fun topic, but have that conversation w/ your partner and get it in place. It WILL help when the unforseeable happens.

MPdaCNA M 

My recommendations are to check Dave Ramsey .... I only wish we hadn't put it aside years ago

When a child grieves ...

It hurts a momma's heart and soul to see your child in pain. When that pain is relived over and over though, it takes your breath away, you'd do anything to experience it for them, but you can't.

As an Adult, we can put some thought into what we are experiencing. We know that there are Stages of Grief, what many don't realize is as children grow and mature, they may re-experience the death and those Stages over again in a different manner.

So yesterday, when my BF's daughter was shouting "Good bye Dad, I love you" over and over, it struck a painful chord in my son and within minutes a torrent of tears and screams emanated from him, "Stop saying that!" as he pulled his hair, "Do you know what it's like not to ever be able to tell your Dad that you love him?" as he pounded his fists on his knees and growled; "Do you know what it's like for him to be away from home and die?", and the sobbing of "I will never see him again"...and on and on for 5 minutes.

All I could do was put my hand on his shoulder, breathe deep and sniffle and fight back tears (not well I might add). His pain was so evident and this was the first time he had been able to put those thoughts into words and express them so succinctly. I hurt me to the core. It took him about 10 minutes to regain his composure, and when he did he was happier than he had been all day. Last night he slept hard and when he woke up this morning he told me it was the best night of sleep he had in days. I don't doubt it. I know what it's like to go through that, I wish I could make it all go away for him, but I know it's a part of his journey to healing. He'll get there, I know he will. It will just take time ... and tears ...

Relationships and Social Media

It this week happened 5 or 10 years ago, it would have been less stressful. Ya see, I've been seeing someone new (I know *gasp* it happened) and about 10 days ago, he asked if we shouldn't just be "boyfriend and girlfriend", which in itself seems funny at 44 and 45 yrs of age ... but I digress. So this week, we decided to "go public" on Facebook with our friends and family about it. We already had pictures up there of us ... it was more of a formality than a necessity, we could've kept it quiet ...

Now 5 or 10 years ago, we would have just held hands and skipped down the street and told those that asked "yes, we're seeing each other", now in the days of Social Media though, we had to put thought into this. Remember, it was several months ago that I had to ask my "King" to leave, and we have remained friends, so I wanted him to know before we "came out" if you will, out of respect, even though he's 3 hours North of me, he's in my face daily now. Talk about some uncomfortable feelings, not because of what I was doing, but because I really had to think about his reaction.

Social Media has totally put a new kink into the already complicated business of relationships. As it is, I had to ask him to back off commenting on everything I posted, I was getting questions about him being a stalker, YIKES!

So there ya have it, I had the conversation, via text messages, he said he already figured it out, WHAT was I worred about? Geesh ... so everyone is happy, and I haven't heard from him or seen him post much at all. He is having a hard time w/ me moving on and not coming back to him.

I think I'm being used

There was a tragic accident in my area this past week that has left a 16 yr old girl in ICU in critical condition. It became apparent, by some Facebook updates posted by a former youth group student of mine, that she is close to the situation. I helped her create a status update w/ the correct information as she is begging for prayers for this young lady. We then chatted for a few minutes. Mind you, we have NOT always seen eye to eye on things, she is always one to push the envelope to the very edge of the table, but she spent time chatting tonight.

The 18 yr old young man driving is her best friend, the 16 yr old girl is his girlfriend, he made a dumb choice that has changed this girls life forever. He feels totally responsible, he won't leave the hospital, he leaves the waiting room long enough to go to the family shower and back. He won't talk to anyone and he knows he's facing jail time once this ordeal is worked through the investigation and DA's office.

My friend is distraught. She won't drive, freaks when she has to get in a car and is worse when the driver hits the brakes. I asked if any of them have met with Counselors and she said "no". What about a Pastor, same answer. I asked if I could join them one day to pray and she said "Yes, and maybe you can talk to him?". My reply was "yes". I talked quickly about knowing all too well how easy it is to look back and change what we would've done, when reality is, we can't. We have to accept the decision that we made, even though we may not like it, and we must move on and then accept the consequences. If I had only taken Mark to the ER when he was laid out on the floor complaining about his back and ribs bring out. If I had only taken Mark to the ER when he was sore and wiped out. If only; but I didn't. He went to the Chiropractor and felt better. He was overtired, run down, under a ton of stress; and I was there to support him in his mission. The mission he was called to complete.

So yes, I will go with her to the ICU waiting room and sit with whomever is there, laugh, cry, pray, be quiet, and talk to whomever wishes to talk. I have learned that my Gift is not in pulling quotes and scripture from the Bible, Lord knows I'm horrible at that; my Gift is in being real with people in their time of need and helping them walk through whatever they are experiencing. So Yes Lord, Use ME!

A chapter closing...

Hard to believe this night has arrived. The final one in the house that Mark and I walked into 13 years ago and fell in love with, knowing that this was the place we would have our first child and raise our family together. I'm not going to lie, tonight is rougher than I imagined it would be. I know that the Lord is guiding these changes, and I find peace in that, but it is rough and there is pain.

I can't thank enough, those that have supported me through everything that has happened. My neighbors and friends have been my legs when needed, I know you aren't going away, but this is just a new chapter in the miniseries of my life. 

Please continue to hold David and I in your prayers the next few days as we move, unpack and adjust to our new life.

It's true...

You learn who your "true family" is during the toughest times of your life.

I have known for years, and I've mentioned it here, that my family of origin is not one of unconditional love. They most definitely have not been here to help me these past 4 years as I worked through the sudden death of my husband and my subsequent "new normal" life.

So in the past few days, as my life goes through another major transition, of leaving my home of 13 years, the home we chose to raise our yet unborn son in, my family once again has failed miserable in being supportive. My mother says "Paring down is a good thing and more manageable" and a sister says "sucks that you spent all your money", my other sister said "you're not selling that furniture, it's mine, you were only storing it for me".

Meanwhile, my neighbors have been with me, crying, offering to help, I've had friends offer me their trucks to help, boxes they have, even offered a place to live if needed ...

I am at a loss, I know what I'm doing is right, although a roadblock has already appeared that I will hopefully be able to move out of the way on Monday. I'm formulating Plan B, Plan C and whatever others will be needed.

I'm also applying for jobs left and right at the local hospitals. I don't know that one would save my house, but it would help me get a place to live. I know that we won't be homeless, I know that in the worst case scenario, friends would provide a roof for us, but I want that to be Plan ZZZZ not Plan B or C. I can't imagine that would be the Lords plan for us either. I will continue to lean on Him, he's not guided me wrong yet.

We’re moving on out….

I’ve made the toughest decision that I’ve had to make in the past 4 years since losing Mark.

On August 30, my son and I will be moving out of our 1800 sq foot home of 13 years into a 1,270 square foot Townhome.

There is a lot to do, not only physically here (meaning OMGosh I have a LOT to get rid of), to get ready for this, but emotionally also. I am in tears as I write this. This is the house we chose together to raise our son, this is the only house we wanted. My neighbors are amazing people, they have been through good and bad with me, without them I don’t know where I’d be right now.

…. I’ll write more as this progresses, I honestly can’t see through the tears right now. Please keep us in your prayers.

Bits and Pieces ...

I'm not in school, it's been a week since I finished my Nursing Assistant course and now I'm waiting for others to tell me when I can move on.

A dear friend had a very rough week. Her actions caused me much concern over her well being. She cut me off. I stayed the course and continued to let her know that I will be here when she's ready, I could be there in 30 min if needed, I love her, she's not getting rid of me that easily. Going 12 hours without hearing from her set off every alarm in my body, but I stayed faithful to her and to the Lord in prayer, and she came through it. We went out last night for dinner, it was nice to see her smile and laugh, even if for a fleeting moment. She's a long way from better, but she's a long way from where she was earlier in the week. The Lord is amazing if we stay faithful to him.

It's also the dreaded Anniversary weekend. I've tried to keep it to myself. I don't want it to be one of those "oh there she is dredging it up again" things, but the reality is, it's a part of me and I don't want to forget Mark and what happened. Part of me will always be angry at those that drove him to an earlier death than we anticipated, no amount of crying, rationalizing, counseling will ever take that feeling away. I should still be with him, my son should still have his Dad here. Father's Day should be a fun time to mess around, and now it's a day that even though I put on a smile for Tim, I don't enjoy at all right now. It's just an evil reminder of what we don't have in our life. It's not fair, and I know that life isn't fair, but it's not fair and I want to simply throw a tantrum and scream. I want my best friend back.

My Walk ... in words, links and a Verse

Faithfulness

This post is a part of a Blog Carnival  hosted by my IRL friend Bridget Chumbley. Stop by and read some great posts and perspectives. If you have something to add, feel free to jump in, we won't bite. 

I have been told that my experience is one of a faith walk, and I think that is something that can be said of everyone. I am not special, I am no different than anyone else, well perhaps I am in that I have chosen to talk blog about my faith walk and be honest when it is shaken to the core.  

As I look at my most common blog tags, I am not surprised to see that FAITH is the most common I use. It is such a hard concept to wrap one's brain around, being faithful. What does it mean and how do we do it? Yet since my world was shaken on June 21, 2006 when Mark died, I have gained a whole new perspective on what having Faith and being Faithful means. 


My guiding verse has provided all I need to know on this subject:

Jeremiah 29:11-14 (New International Version):

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."

How can you read that and NOT have Faith in what the Lord has in store for us?  On the days when my life seems incredibly out of control, when things just don't go the way I think they should go. When I walked out of the Courtroom in tears because what the family wanted is not what the State of Oregon allows, I find that Jeremiah 29:11 provides me so much comfort. It reminds me that HE is in control and he knows what the final plan for me is. I just have to walk crawl through the trenches and make the best decisions for myself and David. 

I question again, what is my purpose?

I sit here in my house, on my laptop, with the TV on. I’m in a difficult situation, I feel my hands tied in so many ways, and as bad as I may think I have it, I know others have it worse.

I keep asking myself, God, What am I supposed to do? If I get a full time job will that be better for me? What about the days when my son is having a meltdown like Friday and I can’t leave for work? How do working parents do it?

What is my purpose Lord?

My girlfriend gave birth on Saturday, December 19th to a beautiful baby girl. Sunday night, I went to the hospital to relieve her husband for the evening, my girlfriend was in a lot of pain, she had a c-section and was having difficulties so the Doctor decided it was her meds and stopped all pain meds (huh??). Then it happened, she had a seizure with only me in the room. The Nurses and Doctor said I was wrong, that she was dizzy, over-tired etc and I let it go, but by Tuesday evening, a Neurologist delivered the life-changing news “You have Epilepsy”. She looked at me with tears in her eyes, she looked at those around the room, and tried to absorb all that was being said and understand what this meant to her for the foreseeable future. She can’t work, she can’t be alone with her 2 kids. She can’t nurse her new baby. She can’t drive. She can’t be over-stimulated.

What is my purpose Lord?

I spend my days crocheting, watching TV, resting and recouping from my busy days. What? That doesn’t sound busy? I’m on call for my friend, the one with the new baby. If someone can’t make it to be with her, I go stay there. If she has medical issues, I go help her. I attend all her appointments with her, she can’t remember things. She doesn’t always understand things. She’s applying for Disability, Food Stamps, Health assistance, whatever she can get to help her husband out. He works 60 hours a week to try and make ends meet. Her son stays w/ family and friends during the week, she misses him. He is home Monday and Wednesday nights so he can go to pre-school Tuesday/Thursday. Have I mentioned that I absolutely love my time with my girlfriend. It’s been challenging, it’s brought us closer, and that little baby, I could seriously eat her up, I love snuggling with her.

What is my purpose Lord?

Tuesday, Port Au Prince Haiti is hit with a 7.0 earthquake. I know that Mark would be fighting to get there to help. Our friends are safe. How sad is it that they are “fortunate” because they are too poor to live in Port Au Prince. The Village is growing daily now, those from Port are starting to arrive to stay with family, friends, strangers, anywhere they can get help.

What is my purpose Lord?

My girlfriend has 3 kids, she’s managed an Apartment complex for years, worked for the Property Managers for years before that. She lives with her 3 kids (1 in HS, 2 in Middle School) on property. Her ex-husband gives little support other than taking the kids every other weekend. Friday she was fired. She has 9 days to find a new home for her family. She will qualify for the highest Unemployment Benefit, a whopping $1640 a month, how will that support her family?

What is my purpose Lord?

I need desire direction Lord. I joke about the Neon Sign with an arrow telling me “Go this way” but internally I wish it would appear. My life changed so drastically when Mark left this earth, today is one of those days that I wish we had done things differently. Today is one of those days that I wish life were different. Today is one of those days I wish didn’t happen.

What is my purpose Lord?

Thanksgiving ....

What a busy time it's been. I'm working on a post that will fully encompass the emotions that I've been through, suffice it to say there have been smiles, laughter, tears and renewed relationships. I might have some pictures too. Possibly....

Rain ...

It's so appropriate ... 


I hate running into old friends that don't know my late husband has died and they ask how he is. It makes them feel horrible when they find out, as if it's their fault. It just happened again, it's been 3 1/2 years, you'd think everyone knew, you'd think it gets easier for me when it happens...but it doesn't and I'm in tears now ... agh! 

The Perfect Lady …

I read about Mr. AssHat today and was reminded of the following:

This situation happened about 3 weeks after Mark died.

I was shopping at our local Haggen and I had David and a friend of his with me. It was quiet in the store, around 8pm at night, and honestly I was pretty tired, run down. I let them run around getting what they wanted from the store and bring it back to me on their own, they were having fun, they weren’t bothering anyone, I could hear them running around and just didn’t care.

As I was looking at meats, the boys came running up to me and I probably said “No that’s too much” to a huge bag of candy or a box of donuts and sent them back to find something else, when Mrs. Perfect Lady came by me. You know the one …

Nails like this:

 

The purse like this:

 

Wearing a skirt like this:

 

Her hair and heels matched the outfit … absolutely perfect … click click click … I heard her approach me, I was probably in sweats with a ball cap holding my hair in place. I’m sure I didn’t look perfect, I’m positive my make up wasn’t done at all, and honestly I didn’t care.

Like I said, I probably was tired and exasperated as I sent the boys on a quest to find something more appropriate for two 8 year olds and sounded it, and out of her mouth came “ That’s why I leave my kids at home with my husband” …

Before I could check myself, I opened my mouth and out came this response, “Well I can’t, mine died 3 weeks ago” and I smiled.

Mrs. Perfect Lady had the most complete stunned look on her face, and she quickly grabbed her cart and Click Clicked away … I didn’t see her again. It was simply Perfect. I wonder what she said to Mr. Perfect when she got home, or if she even admitted to anyone what a Bitch she was. Perhaps she’ll think twice in the future? I giggled then, and I still giggle now.

Happy 45th Mark

to the man who is Forever 41!

Our son's favorite Daddy

    

We're toasting you with a Captain Morgan and Coke .... 

even in the moments before your last breath, you were smiling

We miss you and we'll never forget you. 

12 years..another milestone

12 years ago we said "I do". 3+ years ago the Lord said "your work is done, come Home with me".

Elizabeth M, Marissa P, Mark P, Donna W