Where you realize your support system is non-existent

warning, this post is angry, disjointed, and basically a widowed moms worst nightmare ...

Last Wednesday, the shivers and shakes started. I couldn't warm up, no matter what I tried. Then the fever hit and remained through Friday night, when it spiked once again, almost to 103*.

Reality hit, this momma's worst nightmare. I had to go to the ER. There was no way around it. I put the word out that I needed help, I have thought I had lots of friends around and amazingly enough, everyone no one could help. My sister was in Washington DC on business and she was calling in favors to get me there, but no luck. Then one friend, the last person I thought of because she was busy, happened to see my post on Facebook and texted to say "on my way". None of the "close friends" that have said "whatever you need", were able to help. I got into the shower to clean up before heading out, I sat on the floor to dry my hair, and my son sat next to me crying "Please don't die Mom, please don't die." My sister spent sometime talking to him on the phone, trying to calm him down as I got ready to leave. He was going with me, I couldn't leave him alone, not knowing how long I'd be, nor what was going on.

He stayed in the waiting room while I went in for tests and I let them know when I was ready for him. He didn't want to show how upset and worried he was, but he climbed up on the gurney with me and snuggled. I was heavily medicated at that point, so him being on me didn't hurt one bit. I was released a few hours later w/ a diagnosis of a severe kidney infection. I wish I could say that was the end of the story, that I recovered and all was well. Unfortunately that's not the case. Having gone through the sudden loss of his dad, kiddo was very stressed all week. Unable to concentrate, focus, sleep. Worried about losing me without notice. A 12 year old shouldn't be thinking of such things.

On Wednesday, while he was at school, I developed some intense pain, called my doc and was directed to head back into the ER. It was close enough to the end of school that I knew I needed to let them know. I made arrangements w/ my so-called friend that he'd go home w/ her son, they're best friends, but she "couldn't be there and couldn't drive me". I drove myself across town to the emergency room. On the way I called the school counselor and asked her to call kiddo into her office and let him know what was going on and what he needed to do. How else could I handle this? I had no clue what to do.

I was in an exam room with no cell coverage, so I did my best to convince myself that he'd be ok. By the time I got back, with new meds and narcotics, and food to toss in the microwave for dinner, I found my son and his friend alone in the house. My girlfriend said they didn't want to stay at her house. ACK. I cooked dinner and the boys headed over there for the night. I normally don't allow weeknight sleepovers, but i was wiped out and in pain. I needed the pain meds and hate taking them when it's just him and I in case something happens.

I woke at 7am, dozed until 9ish, got up, took meds and by 11 was back in bed. It was around 1ish that I got a message from school. Kiddo fell asleep in school. Told his teacher he had a sleepover and didn't sleep much. I contacted my girlfriend and she said that he was up until 3am. Double ACK. I don't allow that when the boys are here. Can you sense my frustration? This is the same friend that hasn't called once to check in on me since last Friday when I went to the hospital the first time.

So my son came home, I heard him yelling at his friends "You don't know what it's like to have a parent die, I need to stay with my mom" ...

There are so many thoughts and feelings that I have about all of this.

• If you say you're going to be there for someone in their time of need, dammit, be there. 
• Friendship isn't something you turn on and off at will. Either you're friends and you'll stand by each other, or you won't. 
• Grief is a cyclical process and you never know what will set off a child from one point of that cycle into another point of it. 
• PTSD affects even children. My child suffers from it and it rears it's ugly head at times like this. 
• I hate that my son has to think of "what if mom dies"

I am closing here, because my brain is reeling with thoughts. Thoughts that I can't put together coherently and it's beginning to show in my writing.

Reaffirmation

We've been studying Romans, and today the Lord had me at Church for a reason:


Romans 16:17-19

¹⁷I urge you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. ¹⁸For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites. By smooth talk and flattery they deceive the minds of naive people. ¹⁹Everyone has heard about your obedience, so I am full of joy over you; but I want you to be wise about what is good, and innocent about what is evil.

I needed that ... Grace ... I need to extend Grace and keep my distance.  

It's true...

You learn who your "true family" is during the toughest times of your life.

I have known for years, and I've mentioned it here, that my family of origin is not one of unconditional love. They most definitely have not been here to help me these past 4 years as I worked through the sudden death of my husband and my subsequent "new normal" life.

So in the past few days, as my life goes through another major transition, of leaving my home of 13 years, the home we chose to raise our yet unborn son in, my family once again has failed miserable in being supportive. My mother says "Paring down is a good thing and more manageable" and a sister says "sucks that you spent all your money", my other sister said "you're not selling that furniture, it's mine, you were only storing it for me".

Meanwhile, my neighbors have been with me, crying, offering to help, I've had friends offer me their trucks to help, boxes they have, even offered a place to live if needed ...

I am at a loss, I know what I'm doing is right, although a roadblock has already appeared that I will hopefully be able to move out of the way on Monday. I'm formulating Plan B, Plan C and whatever others will be needed.

I'm also applying for jobs left and right at the local hospitals. I don't know that one would save my house, but it would help me get a place to live. I know that we won't be homeless, I know that in the worst case scenario, friends would provide a roof for us, but I want that to be Plan ZZZZ not Plan B or C. I can't imagine that would be the Lords plan for us either. I will continue to lean on Him, he's not guided me wrong yet.

We’re moving on out….

I’ve made the toughest decision that I’ve had to make in the past 4 years since losing Mark.

On August 30, my son and I will be moving out of our 1800 sq foot home of 13 years into a 1,270 square foot Townhome.

There is a lot to do, not only physically here (meaning OMGosh I have a LOT to get rid of), to get ready for this, but emotionally also. I am in tears as I write this. This is the house we chose together to raise our son, this is the only house we wanted. My neighbors are amazing people, they have been through good and bad with me, without them I don’t know where I’d be right now.

…. I’ll write more as this progresses, I honestly can’t see through the tears right now. Please keep us in your prayers.

Here I am, and there HE is

It’s been a long couple of weeks. Lots of change, uncertainty and excitement. One thing that has remained consistent is that I KNOW the Lord is with me, guiding my every move. HE is faithful even when I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing.

Prayers & Pictures from the recent past

Yes, I said I would be better at Blogging, today I will catch you up on my life.



First and foremost, I ask that you pray for my friend Morgan and her family. She’s a 7 yr old ball of fire and today she is going her 11th cardiac surgery. Morgans long story is found on her CaringBridge site. While it was updated in February w/ great news, Morgan began a rapid decline soon afterwards. She has a big brother and a little sister, and tons of friends are supporting their family through this.

Now on to the random photos of the past few months …

Remember when I was so sick in February?


I did manage to sneak go out for one night of fun with friends.
A great friend of mine is Jacob Merlin and he has one of the BEST bands in Portland, soon to be hitting up Seattle and Tacoma! I manage his Merchandise for him as well as his Blog (which we just started). This is just some of the fun from that night.




 




Michael is his guitarist. Talk about TALENT!











Oh, while I was sick in February, Abigail broke her foot. Yeah, THAT was (not) fun!












Tim insisted on taking me out for a date night, it was Applebees. We discovered that after 9pm they sell Jello Shots made in orange peels!  He couldn’t resist. While I was tired, it was fun and a needed break.








We needed to get Abigail out of the house … what do you do w/ a kid in a wheelchair?












You go BOWLING! David wheeled her up to the ramp and she let the ball roll down!


This is a special place for us as Mark and I bowled league here for years and later on, Mark and David bowled here together.





What’s the saying? March arrives like a Lion and leaves like a Lamb?
Well for me it arrived w/ Shingles! (there are more pictures on that post if you want to see them)










Easter arrived any my girlfriend Katie and I decided to make chocolate covered Rice Krispie Easter Eggs. It was a ton of fun.







…. well there is quite a bit more to add, but that’s for tomorrow…

following up ...

Kiddo is NOT doing the overnight, those are for school groups only (insert eyeroll emoticon here)... but she's taking David to see Cirque du Soleils "Kooza", I admit to being VERY envious! I've not seen them in a few years and I love their performances. She's also taking planning to take my nephew, but my sister is saying that he's not going because our Mom didn't let her know ahead of time that she wanted to do it and he's not going to be there. Geeshus Smeeshus! It's happening on April 30th! Today is April 1st! I realize you and mom have a crappy relationship, I do too, but don't let the kids suffer! ARGH!! Change your frickin plans!

Shingles .. did I mention that I had them??? Well I have a feeling that they're coming back. I'm sooo not happy. I'll keep you updated, but can definitely use your prayers.

So I had to call ....

... my mother. She wants to send kiddo on an overnighter for his birthday but still hasn't given me the details and I need to schedule his birthday party.

Warning: If you don't want to hear a rant today, one based on years and years of dysfunctional behavior that my mother insists does not exist on her part, than come back another day.

That woman totally drive me nuts. There is no other way to say it. She asked how I've been "Haven't heard from  you" ... yeah, well Mom if you actually picked up the phone to call once in awhile, maybe you'd know OR if you read the emails I sent out, you'd know the answer ... so I filled her in on how sick I've been since the end of January w/ the sinus infection, the asthma, the possible MRSA, the allergic reaction and the shingles. Her reaction was "Wow, and you didn't let us know?".

Excuse me as I lose it here .... I'll get back to the story in a minute ...

Why the HELL would I call YOU for support when I am sick? Uhhhh in case you don't remember, back a few years ago, yeah, when my world fell apart...yeah, that day when my husband died?!  Remember how you did NOTHING to help after the Funeral, except tell me that I was over-reacting to my sisters actions. Remember how you haven't done a THING to help when I have said I needed it over the past 3 1/2 years? Yeah, maybe THAT is why I didn't call you. Hmmmm last time we communicated was at the beginning of November (that would be 5 months ago) when I told you our plans for Thanksgiving were to be with you and Christmas up in WA, and you were "put off" because we weren't changing our plans because you didn't tell us about your trip out of the Country that was booked months in advance, that meant you weren't gonna be home for Thanksgiving. Your response at that time was "Great, we don't have to do any decorating or shopping for the holidays then". Wow mom. and you wonder why I don't call you?? Oh that's right, your phone doesn't make calls down the mountain. I forgot about that. The phone lines only run up the mountain. Get a friggin clue and get over yourself mom.

Ok rant over ... now back to the story...

...she proceeds to spend the next 15 minutes telling me about my step-dad, how he's been in and out of the hospital several times over the past few months (insert snarky comment here : this is the first I've heard any of that from her ... oh yeah, the phone lines running down the mt don't work~I forgot), how her laptop computer isn't working and she needs to get another one, but she doesn't like "System 7" because it's totally different than XP (blah blah blah). She told me how her house is such a mess because they had wood floors put down throughout the whole place and now she has to wash all her china and crystal by hand, (insert snarky comment here: OMGOSH THE WORLD IS GOING TO END ~ Mom THAT is the reason I don't have China or Crustal in my house ~ oh wait, no THAT is because my selfish SISTER took all of it from my inheritance split.) but I digress .... I really really digressed there (whoops) ....

so back to the overnighter that Mom wants to schedule. I for the life of me could NOT find them on the website she told me about, which initiated this call in the first place, and she informs me they are listed under the GROUP events. So while I have her on the line I pull them up and found them and as I read I tell her "These are events that are set up for School Groups mom" and she informs me that she is going to call and see if they'll make an exception and allow her to schedule one for her grandson and his friend, UGH Yes, this is seriously what I deal with when I have to deal with this woman. She truly feels that the world revolves around her. Well, we finally ended the call with her saying she would call me back later today, we will see. Honestly, if there is anyone that can get a place to do a "special case" it would be her, because she knows everyone and anyone that means anything in this Country, just ask her ... she'll tell you ....

(as I label this post, I wonder if I should add a category for SNARK)

Welcome Spring!

Today is the first day of Spring 2010 AND Spring Break 2010 ... 

and although kiddo isn't feeling the best
(he's got a cough and a 100* temp) 
we simply HAD to get out and enjoy the near 70* temp outside before it changed....

I question again, what is my purpose?

I sit here in my house, on my laptop, with the TV on. I’m in a difficult situation, I feel my hands tied in so many ways, and as bad as I may think I have it, I know others have it worse.

I keep asking myself, God, What am I supposed to do? If I get a full time job will that be better for me? What about the days when my son is having a meltdown like Friday and I can’t leave for work? How do working parents do it?

What is my purpose Lord?

My girlfriend gave birth on Saturday, December 19th to a beautiful baby girl. Sunday night, I went to the hospital to relieve her husband for the evening, my girlfriend was in a lot of pain, she had a c-section and was having difficulties so the Doctor decided it was her meds and stopped all pain meds (huh??). Then it happened, she had a seizure with only me in the room. The Nurses and Doctor said I was wrong, that she was dizzy, over-tired etc and I let it go, but by Tuesday evening, a Neurologist delivered the life-changing news “You have Epilepsy”. She looked at me with tears in her eyes, she looked at those around the room, and tried to absorb all that was being said and understand what this meant to her for the foreseeable future. She can’t work, she can’t be alone with her 2 kids. She can’t nurse her new baby. She can’t drive. She can’t be over-stimulated.

What is my purpose Lord?

I spend my days crocheting, watching TV, resting and recouping from my busy days. What? That doesn’t sound busy? I’m on call for my friend, the one with the new baby. If someone can’t make it to be with her, I go stay there. If she has medical issues, I go help her. I attend all her appointments with her, she can’t remember things. She doesn’t always understand things. She’s applying for Disability, Food Stamps, Health assistance, whatever she can get to help her husband out. He works 60 hours a week to try and make ends meet. Her son stays w/ family and friends during the week, she misses him. He is home Monday and Wednesday nights so he can go to pre-school Tuesday/Thursday. Have I mentioned that I absolutely love my time with my girlfriend. It’s been challenging, it’s brought us closer, and that little baby, I could seriously eat her up, I love snuggling with her.

What is my purpose Lord?

Tuesday, Port Au Prince Haiti is hit with a 7.0 earthquake. I know that Mark would be fighting to get there to help. Our friends are safe. How sad is it that they are “fortunate” because they are too poor to live in Port Au Prince. The Village is growing daily now, those from Port are starting to arrive to stay with family, friends, strangers, anywhere they can get help.

What is my purpose Lord?

My girlfriend has 3 kids, she’s managed an Apartment complex for years, worked for the Property Managers for years before that. She lives with her 3 kids (1 in HS, 2 in Middle School) on property. Her ex-husband gives little support other than taking the kids every other weekend. Friday she was fired. She has 9 days to find a new home for her family. She will qualify for the highest Unemployment Benefit, a whopping $1640 a month, how will that support her family?

What is my purpose Lord?

I need desire direction Lord. I joke about the Neon Sign with an arrow telling me “Go this way” but internally I wish it would appear. My life changed so drastically when Mark left this earth, today is one of those days that I wish we had done things differently. Today is one of those days that I wish life were different. Today is one of those days I wish didn’t happen.

What is my purpose Lord?

Merry Christmas

What an amazing week I've had, I can't wait to tell you all about it. Talk about emotional roller-coasters, well I've been on them and they have finally come to a satisfying end. Pictures will be included ... stay tuned! Until then, remember the TRUE meaning of this amazing day, the gift of Jesus Christ!

The Value of Social Networking

For an Adult, it's simple. Reconnecting with friends from the past. Networking to gain employment, Building business contacts, finding a partner.

The latest trend however, scares me. I am seeing MY FRIENDS post on Facebook about their KIDS being on Facebook. By KIDS I refer to children UNDER the age of 16, some even as young as 11! What the heck is this about? WHY does a child need a Facebook account? Mine doesn't even have a MySpace account.

I really want to understand this, so PLEASE enlighten me here...comment away!

Thanksgiving ....

What a busy time it's been. I'm working on a post that will fully encompass the emotions that I've been through, suffice it to say there have been smiles, laughter, tears and renewed relationships. I might have some pictures too. Possibly....

Sit at the table together

... and eat a meal. It's amazing what you will learn. We are trying to get back into the habit of Family Meals at least 2-3 times a week. It takes some planning, but it's incredibly worthwhile. Some nights it's a frustrating experience, other nights we laugh and enjoy ourselves the hilt.

Well if you've known me for any length of time you know that I love my pasta! I'm always coming up with something different, but I have my stand-bys that I love to make.

Today while blog hopping around, I found a website through one of the Google Ads (YIKES Yes, I click on some) ... Share The Table has a plethora of recipes and ideas from all sorts of people, literally HUNDREDS of dishes! What an incredible resource that I now have bookmarked and will utilize regularly! I encourage you to take a look there and see what you find. There are some great ideas.

Dear ex-wife;

I am writing today to express my frustrations with you. I wish that you would sincerely take this to heart and see what you are doing to Tim and your daughter.

This weekend is a perfect example of "things gone wrong", you see, you promised your daughter that she would go see Mimi and Papa this weekend and then come spend the week with us. Then that changed to going to see her Aunt and having a sleepover there before coming to our house, and then last night, on the way down, you decided to bring her straight here instead. Ya know, when we told you that we weren't able to make it up on Friday you said that you had set up a TA Training on Friday and Saturday and that you would need to find a babysitter for your daughter; how is it you were able to deal with a "Peanut that is being difficult today" if you were out Training?

I'm happy to say that the negativity she showed towards me disappeared w/ in 5 minutes of you leaving however TODAY she is very, very, VERY upset that she did NOT see Mimi, Papa or her Aunt and cousins. As a matter of fact, she has her bag all packed and at least once an hour since she woke up, she has brought all her belongings upstairs saying "Mommy said we're going, I'm ready". She calls us LIARS and screams and stomps her feet when we say "You're staying here, Mommy is on a trip". She honestly thinks you are back at home and going to take her to see her grandparents. In fact, she thinks you're going to be home when she gets there Tuesday, even though she is having "special Sissy time" with her older sister. She told me this morning "Mommy is taking me to school Wednesday" and was VERY upset when I explained that Mommy wasn't home and would be gone all week. I took the brunt of that maneuver for you, you're so welcome. I'm used to being the bad guy, just add it to the list of lies I've told her.

Now, about the food she was eating when she arrived to our house, why is it ok for you to take her for Dairy Queen and feed her hamburgers, french fries and Blizzards but WE aren't allowed to do that? I can't recall the number of times over the past 18 months you have said "Oh she's supposed to be on a low fat diet", in fact SHE tells us she's not supposed to eat "that stuff" and yet you feed it to her yourself? Stop being so hypocritical.

Well, that's all for now, I need to go cook dinner for this crowd and unpack Peanuts clothes for the umpteenth time today. (oh ~ please tell me why you don't want me to wash her clothes, what don't I do right?). Oh... one final thing, this attitude I have, yeah, well I've learned it from your "snappity snap" daughter. Duuuuurrrrrrrrrrrr ....

Sincerely,

The Step-mother

She who forgets

The text message arrived at 8:30pm last night:

Peanut had one hell of a day so we got started later than expected so I apologize for it being later than expected but I really think it’s best if I bring her straight to you then I’ll drive till I’m tired and get a motel. it makes more sense than keeping everyone up.

Uhhh WHAT?? Thursday night we talked and you said you were bringing her here Sunday afternoon! David was getting ready to go to bed, we were going to watch a movie and enjoy a quiet night.

Tim texted back and said “We were expecting her tomorrow afternoon”; To which she responded “Oh yeah, I forgot”. You FORGOT? You FORGOT!?? How in the world do you forget that you’re leaving for California on SUNDAY and suddenly do it on Saturday. I just don’t buy this “I’m going down there for training” bit. Sorry, There are just so many things that don’t line up in your story.

And so we waited … and waited … and at 10:30pm we got a phone call, “Hi Daddy, I’m here”. The ex won’t even come up to the door. We have to go out to the street to get Abigail. We are handed a bag of garbage from Dairy Queen, Abbie is asked if she wants to finish her blizzard, she can even have Moms (wait a minute, doesn’t she go nuts on us when we do fast food because she needs to be on a low fat diet?). Grrrrr … and we are handed 1 bag of clothes for the couple of days we will have her. Hmmm and what’s that in the back of your truck? Hmm they look like CAMPING SUPPLIES not “training” supplies. I give up, seriously, this lady is absolutely nuts! I try so hard to be nice, to her face I am, even when Abbie is nasty to me in front of her mom. The first 5 minutes with her in the house were hell, and then she changed, like a switch was flipped.

Now, if we can get this kid to stay in her bed all night and not wake us up constantly.

Are we there yet?

I've probably used that title before...and I'll probably use it again, sorry folks.

I love my son, but I really canNOT wait for September 9th, because that is the day I put him on the school bus and send him away for the day!!!

In case you're wondering, I did NOT send out this Tweet earlier:

QueenOChaosWhy does my son feel that folding laundry is the most DIFFICULT thing in the world? He doesn't whine as much when I pull his teeth w/ pliers

about 1 hour ago from web

Off to ....

Oaks Park for the day!!! I can't WAIT!! I'm hoping that the camera I buy on the way doesn't need to be charged right away ... because I want to take pictures!!! I may buy a cheap throw away camera and have the pics put on a disc, this will be a fun day! WOOHOOO!!!

Off for the weekend

It's been a stressful and draining week. Just as I was feeling better yesterday, Tim came home from work early and let me know he had been laid off. We immediately went into "howthehellarewegoingtosurvive" mode.

We think we have it figured out, we hope we have it figured out, he's already got his resume in for another job and is on the road to pick up Abbie for the week. Clark and I are heading to the store and bank to get errands done and then we are packing EVERYONE including the dog up and heading out to the family farm to camp for 2 nights. Only costs us coffee, chips and hot dogs! What a deal!!

We have faith. The Lord will NOT leave us hanging, there are plans in place for me to become a partner in a well established business in September, and for 6 weeks we can "get by" if needed.

So that said ... we will see you on Monday. Have a great weekend! I'm sure I will have some stories to share!

Black & White ~ and kids

From elsewhere ... back in April 2005

Would like your input...

---

On our way to Chicago, while waiting for the plane, an Indian family sat down near my son and me. They had a little boy just a bit younger than Jim. The two boys played together for a while (our plane had been delayed). While neither spoke the language of the other, they had a great time.

Jim and I stepped away to go to the bathroom and when we had come back, they moved out gate. When we got to the new gate, we were not sitting close to them any more. So Jim started asking me, "Where's my brown friend?" My first thought was, "How nice that he wants to keep playing." Then I realized that what he said could sound bad. He's not quite 4 and DH and I don't refer to people by color (it's not how we see people). Jim asked me why he was brown (he's into that "why" stage). I told him that God made people different. If we were all the same, life would be boring.

A similar situation happened on the way home. While waiting to board (in that long crowded walkway to the plane), we were standing behind an African-American lady. And Jim was asking me why her hair was the way it was (it was in a tight-type dredlock). Again, I explained that her hair looked good that way. Then he asked why I didn't do it to my hair. I told him my hair wouldn't look as good because it wouldn't work as well. And he asked why, so again, I explained that God made each of us different.

I haven't viewed this as any more than a young child noticing differences in people and I am working to make that a very positive thing (as in we all have differences and that's what's great about the world).

If you had overheard my son, would it have offended you? What would your thoughts have been? How would you have responded if he were your child?

My response:

I think you did a great job.

We have a good friend that is black (please don't take offense, that's how he refers to himself...) and David has grown up with Dwayne being around and I don't think he notices the difference. Now last year we had a chance to spend a day with a wonderful yourg man from Haiti, he spoke French and very little english...David took him for his first McDonalds ever. When we said our good-byes he gave David a hug and put his hands to Davids face to cup it warmly, David looked at his hands and said to us "How come he's got brown hands?". Mind you...David spent all day with him and it never came up. We explained that like Dwayne, his skin is darker than ours, it's how God made him.

Now David has an awesome bus driver named Nick, David calls him Nick

Now...I tell you that last statement because I just called him in and asked him what color we were "White" and what about Dwayne "Black" ...Does is matter? "No, because...oh I can't remember his name, but he stopped the war between the black and white people and said we should be friends"...so what is Nick, Black or African American..."He's just Nick". The boy sees color but doesn't get caught up in it, sometimes he may describe someone as black, brown or white to help ME identify which kid in a crowd he's talking about, but that's about it.

LOVE IT!

What would your response have been?