Thursday, December 16, 2010

Where you realize your support system is non-existent

warning, this post is angry, disjointed, and basically a widowed moms worst nightmare ...

Last Wednesday, the shivers and shakes started. I couldn't warm up, no matter what I tried. Then the fever hit and remained through Friday night, when it spiked once again, almost to 103*.

Reality hit, this momma's worst nightmare. I had to go to the ER. There was no way around it. I put the word out that I needed help, I have thought I had lots of friends around and amazingly enough, everyone no one could help. My sister was in Washington DC on business and she was calling in favors to get me there, but no luck. Then one friend, the last person I thought of because she was busy, happened to see my post on Facebook and texted to say "on my way". None of the "close friends" that have said "whatever you need", were able to help. I got into the shower to clean up before heading out, I sat on the floor to dry my hair, and my son sat next to me crying "Please don't die Mom, please don't die." My sister spent sometime talking to him on the phone, trying to calm him down as I got ready to leave. He was going with me, I couldn't leave him alone, not knowing how long I'd be, nor what was going on.

He stayed in the waiting room while I went in for tests and I let them know when I was ready for him. He didn't want to show how upset and worried he was, but he climbed up on the gurney with me and snuggled. I was heavily medicated at that point, so him being on me didn't hurt one bit. I was released a few hours later w/ a diagnosis of a severe kidney infection. I wish I could say that was the end of the story, that I recovered and all was well. Unfortunately that's not the case. Having gone through the sudden loss of his dad, kiddo was very stressed all week. Unable to concentrate, focus, sleep. Worried about losing me without notice. A 12 year old shouldn't be thinking of such things.

On Wednesday, while he was at school, I developed some intense pain, called my doc and was directed to head back into the ER. It was close enough to the end of school that I knew I needed to let them know. I made arrangements w/ my so-called friend that he'd go home w/ her son, they're best friends, but she "couldn't be there and couldn't drive me". I drove myself across town to the emergency room. On the way I called the school counselor and asked her to call kiddo into her office and let him know what was going on and what he needed to do. How else could I handle this? I had no clue what to do.

I was in an exam room with no cell coverage, so I did my best to convince myself that he'd be ok. By the time I got back, with new meds and narcotics, and food to toss in the microwave for dinner, I found my son and his friend alone in the house. My girlfriend said they didn't want to stay at her house. ACK. I cooked dinner and the boys headed over there for the night. I normally don't allow weeknight sleepovers, but i was wiped out and in pain. I needed the pain meds and hate taking them when it's just him and I in case something happens.

I woke at 7am, dozed until 9ish, got up, took meds and by 11 was back in bed. It was around 1ish that I got a message from school. Kiddo fell asleep in school. Told his teacher he had a sleepover and didn't sleep much. I contacted my girlfriend and she said that he was up until 3am. Double ACK. I don't allow that when the boys are here. Can you sense my frustration? This is the same friend that hasn't called once to check in on me since last Friday when I went to the hospital the first time.

So my son came home, I heard him yelling at his friends "You don't know what it's like to have a parent die, I need to stay with my mom" ...

There are so many thoughts and feelings that I have about all of this.

  • If you say you're going to be there for someone in their time of need, dammit, be there. 
  • Friendship isn't something you turn on and off at will. Either you're friends and you'll stand by each other, or you won't. 
  • Grief is a cyclical process and you never know what will set off a child from one point of that cycle into another point of it. 
  • PTSD affects even children. My child suffers from it and it rears it's ugly head at times like this. 
  • I hate that my son has to think of "what if mom dies"

I am closing here, because my brain is reeling with thoughts. Thoughts that I can't put together coherently and it's beginning to show in my writing.
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