Today I Choose ...

I have learned many things through my many years of counseling and 12-stepping ... and I feel that the most important, yet the one I've obviously forgotten lately, is that I can make a choice now to do something, and then NOW I can make a choice to do something different; and there is NOTHING wrong with that!

We are in our present place and state of being because WE choose to be here.

I have been in an ugly and sad place for awhile. I've allowed situations to get the better of me. My circumstances are not even close to desirable for myself or my son, but I'm here and I have to do something about it. So right now, right this moment, I am choosing to do something different for us. It's not what I ultimately wanted for us, it's not what I would have chosen had I been 'in charge' of things, but it will work now, and that is most important to me.

So for today, I am accepting the settlement offer from the Insurance Company for my accident I had over a year ago. I do NOT have the time nor energy to fight a lawsuit against them, I have bills that need to be paid and a kid that needs clothes to wear. This will cover those costs, not all of them, but enough of them that some stress will be relieved until the next financial boost happens, which will hopefully be soon.

I've had this song rolling around in my head all day, and now I know why. I have forgotten to put Christ first and look to HIM for my guidance. The Forms have been sitting here for weeks, I've been mulling it over, and I let it get me down, the song came into my head overnight and I knew what I had to do, make a choice and go with it.

As for me and my house

chorus:

Today I choose to follow you

Today I choose to gi ve my'yes' to u

Today I choose to hear your voice and live

Today I choose to follow you

Verse:

As for me and my house

we will serve you

as for me and my house

we will spend our lives on you

(Repeat chorus and Verse)

Chorus

Bridge:

Wonderful counseler , Everlasting Fa-ther

E-ternal King , Lord of hosts

willingly we fol- low

Chorus

So I ask you, those reading, what choice are YOU making today? Doesn't it feel GREAT to know that you can choose now, and now, and now, and then again in  10 min if you want to change that choice? I think so and I will continue to let myself choose to do what works for me.

Me ... my meds ... my doc ... my depression

So ... for those that have heard, this is the full story.

I have been on Zoloft since 2000 after I had a miscarriage. My OB/Gyn has known me since 1987 and also knows my family of origin. She felt then that due to the extreme dysfunction of my family situation plus going through a miscarriage at almost 15 weeks, I was depressed and probably suffering from PTSD and could use the help. OMGosh what a miracle that little pill was in my life. With all that I've gone through over the years, it's been accepted that I need to remain on the meds. In fact, the Counselor I have seen on and off over the past 3 years since my husband died feels I have PTSD. (ETA 7:45am 6/30/09 Some people have a simple chemical imbalance and it's generally agreed that I am one of those people that need this regularly, just as a diabetic needs insulin. I accepted it a long time ago, it's a reality in my life, not a label)

Last March I was injured in a fall and I will be taking them to Court as they stopped paying my medical bills... long story short, the Doctor I have been seeing has a policy of not refilling prescriptions when an account is in non-pay status or it has gone to Collections. Well, because of this situation, my account has gone to Collections.

On Friday I called in a refill on my prescription, the Pharmacy needed an order from the Doctor as it expired. The Doctors office faxed back NO and when I researched, I discovered why. The Pharmacy gave me "an emergency fill" of 3 pills. Tonight my head is floating and I am very disoriented. I took 1 pill and did a protein feed. I am determined to work through this, I will be calling my doctor tomorrow but am prepared for her to say No. If I had the money I would pay the bill, I just don't have it. I've lived off a meager $1000 a month SS Survivors benefits for 3 years and the money just isn't there right now. I have $60 to last me 10 days right now and I need gas in my truck.

The good news is that I am feeling a bit better. I'm going to split the remaining 2 pills and do 50 mg doses daily the rest of the week. I am researching other options, will talk to a pharmacist friend about St. Johns Wort as it is a similar SSRI and see what she says.

Welcome to my world ... ugh ...