Friday, October 15, 2010
Whew this is a tough one. There are so many things in life that we, as women, take on as out responsibility that is not ours, we hold guilt for so many things that we don't have to. It's part of how we are wired.
I look back and see things that I could of or should have done differently, I don't look back and have regrets, except for things I did or did not do in the months building up to the death of Mark.
I know that hindsight is 20/20. I know that in theory. I know that I can't turn back the hands of time and change what did or didn't happen. I have to let it go, but ... IF I had pushed harder for him to speak up, IF I had stood up myself and spoke out about what he was being put through. IF I had pushed for him to quit his job on the day he was ready to throw in the towel, IF I had demanded he go back to AA when he relapsed, IF I had taken him to the hospital on one of the many days that he was feeling like shit in his final weeks.... IF and ONLY IF I had done one or more of those things, then maybe, just maybe life as I know it today would be very different. I know, in my mind and heart, that the Lord would have taken him when his last day on earth was done REGARDLESS of what I did or didn't do, but it still doesn't stop me from wondering.
I have to just let it go and accept, it is what it is.