It's been a long time since I've written here.
Life has taken many twists and turns, I don't even know where to begin.
Kiddo turned 13, he also started a whole NEW medication setup, it's almost scary to think that my kiddo needs THAT MUCH stuff to help his brain function normally, but the reality is, he does. The biggest side-effect I'm seeing is that now his brain is finally processing the loss he experienced when his Dad died .... which brings us to Thursday ...
Thursday night is 5 years from the last time Kiddo said "I love you Daddy" in person and fell asleep with him. Friday morning at 3am is 5 years from the last time I kissed my husband and said "I love you, have a blessed trip with the kids" and I sent him off to New Orleans not knowing it would be the last time I saw him alive.
Yes, this starts the countdown of all the lasts, and all the firsts ... first time waking up knowing he wouldn't be calling, first time the Youth came back without their Youth Pastor, first time my kiddo wouldn't have Daddy to toss him in the air ... so many firsts and lasts .. and here I am almost 5 years later, with the pain, hurt and grief still able to bubble any moment.
One of the biggest sources of comfort I have found, and yes, true comfort has been found here, is in the Internet ... this vast Wide World Web and the many "invisible" friends I've made just by being a Widow. I'm sure Mark is laughing at the irony of me finding some of my biggest supports through all this crap have come through the internet and blogs! (he always gave me a hard time about all my "invisible friends" although he knew many of them IRL). Facebook, Twitter, blogs, and so many other resources have allowed me to get to "know" and share with others. It's a "sucky club" that we belong to, even more so when you had no idea you would join it so soon. Who thinks that at 42 you will suddenly become a widowed momma?
I've heard about a program called Camp Widow over the years and have always thought it would be a fun experience .. wait, fun? FUN???? We're freaking WIDOW'S, what's fun about that?? Well heck, the widows I've met are not just a bunch of sad sacks that sit around weeping all the time ... well, maybe some are, but not all ... and what I love about our Widdahood ... is that it's ok to be a sad sack and sit around weeping, we all do it at times, and there is always someone in our Widdahood that completely GETS IT and will listen and send virtual hugs without judging! Camp Widow is a chance to laugh, cry, listen, share, give hope and get hope from men and women alike that have gone through a similar walk we have. It's 3 days in San Diego CA in August ... heLLLLOOOOOO how's THAT for a Camp location?? Why haven't I done there, especially with my only Aunt, who is ALSO a Widow, living there ... well honestly, it's been the cost. Registration is $375 for the weekend alone, not including airfare and hotel costs. Well I can toss away the hotel and stay w/ my Aunt ... and possibly swing Airfare now that I'm working, but Registration also, whew ... I honestly don't know that I can pull it all together. I can put all sorts of other excuses out there, my son can't handle me being gone, I don't know if I'll be moving then ... but honestly, I have Faith that if I were to get the Camp Widow scholarship, the Lord will make sure that everything else falls into place for me.
With that, I'm putting this out there. I'm asking for prayers. I'd LOVE to meet my Widda friends IN PERSON finally and make new ones. I'm asking for prayers for my kiddo and I, that the next week of "firsts and lasts" is easier than it's been in the past ... I'm asking for prayers that the struggles kiddo is experiencing are worthwhile and he learns from them. I'm asking for prayers that my struggles are for a worthwhile reason.
I will be back soon to update on so many things, I promise that. You'll understand why I've been absent ...
Love and prayers for all ...