Sunday, January 04, 2009

My struggle continues

Preface: My mind is so incredibly jumbled right now, there is no logical order to what i have inside me and I'm sure it will be seen here. I just need a place to get this out so I'm dumping it here ...

For the first time since Marks death, I am scared. I feel so alone. I feel so empty inside. Those that said they would be by my side, well, they lied. They aren't here and it fucking pisses me off! I have so much anger bottled up inside me and I want to explode.

I don't know what's triggering this now, but I do know I need to get it out or I will continue to self destruct.

We worked so hard to make our house "a home", I did my best to keep it clean, but Mark and his OCD came behind and made it cleaner, I miss that! He's freak out in the biggest way if he walked in today and saw what it looked like!! These days, I'm just happy to have it to keep us warm. The truth of it though, is I'm barely keeping it together, it's by the skin of my teeth and by the Grace of God that I'm still able to make payments on it.

Anger~ at my parents, for still not getting it. What the hell do I need a black velour lounge outfit for? I'm 43 not 70! I said I needed a Bible Dictionary, a good Concordance ... and you get me something black to hang out in? Oh... and in my stocking I get Highliters and post it notes??? FUCK YOU!!!!

Anger~at my church & congregation members. I have OTHER churches bringing me food boxes, wanting to help financially...and yet NOTHING from my own Church~which is the Church that Mark worked for when he died! He was on a work trip HULLLLLOOOO!!!! The other Pastor was amazed that there was no account set up for us. You walk into our Church and you would have NO IDEA that Mark ever was there. No picture, no memorial, nothing! Maybe I'm being self-centered, but I was thinking that there would be something there for people to remember him by, but nope. They've moved on, seems I'm the one that can't move on anymore.
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