Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Weathering the storm

I have so much swirling through my head and I know I won't be able to get it all out here, and if I were to do that, you wouldn't understand it anyway. That's ok though, because I blog for me, not for you, right?

Kiddo is having a really rough time right now and it's wearing on me emotionally. His anxiety is at an all time high and I can't pinpoint a reason, other than "The Holidays". I know it sounds like an excuse to those that don't understand the grieving process "Whoa it's the holidays, that gives them a free pass to be nasty?" I, as an adult, am able to identify times that I KNOW I will be 'in a mood' and prepare others for them. The week before June 21st, the 3rd week of September through the 10th of October. If I have the random down day, I recognize it and can make adjustments. Children though, they are a different beast when it comes to grief. They can't always verbalize what is bothering them, only that "something is wrong". They aren't able to decipher those deep seated feelings, fears, emotions and ask for help. They act out.

Kiddo is holding his head a lot, pulling his hair, groaning, moaning, clenching his teeth and grunting. I imagine that if I gave him some paper and crayons he'd be back to dark drawings (which he's not done in about 6 months). There is hurt and anger inside him that he can't express, and it's eating him from the inside out. As a mother, it kills me to see this, he has to weather through the storm though.

I pray for calm. I pray for understanding from those around, that his classmates go easy on him because he is sooo on the edge and vulnerable right now. I pray that people see his behavior as a response to grief,  not as something purposeful on his part.